FOXBORO, Mass. – An emotional Tom Brady took to the stage to thank his family, friends, and fellow players during his induction ceremony at the New England Patriots’ Hall of Fame June 12, 2024.

While nearly every breathing human on Earth who has any understanding of the National Football League knew Brady’s career would end in the Hall of Fame, the former quarterback admits the ceremony resulted in a giant weight off his shoulders.

“Ever since I was picked 199th overall in the 2000 draft, I’ve constantly felt like I constantly needed to prove myself to everyone,” said Brady. “That said, I wasn’t entirely sure my numbers were good enough to be enshrined in these hallowed halls.”

Of course, with more than 89,000 yards thrown resulting in 649 career touchdowns, earning 15 trips to the Pro Bowl, winning 7 Super Bowls, and receiving 5 Super Bowl MVP awards, 3 season MVP awards, 2 Offensive Player of the Year Awards, and 1 Comeback player of the year award over 23 years, Brady essentially had the numbers for multiple Hall of Fame seasons.

“I couldn’t tell if Tom was legitimately concerned about his place in NFL history or if he was just being a dick,” said Payton Manning, Brady’s longtime professional rival. “What I will say is that he’s a warrior and deserves his place in Canton someday, even if he isn’t as good of a quarterback or athlete as me or my brother Eli.”

If anyone needed more proof that Brady is the Greatest of All Time, or GOAT, the New England Patriots couldn’t even abide by their own rules for inducting someone into their Hall of Fame. Normally, a player has to be retired for more than four years before they can be enshrined. Brady, who retired in February 2022, has barely even unpacked his locker before getting the call from Patriots owner Robert Kraft.

“Patriots fans didn’t get an opportunity to appropriately thank Tom when he left,” Chairman and CEO Robert Kraft said. “I wanted to give them that opportunity. Unfortunately, a halftime ceremony just doesn’t provide enough time to honor Tommy the way he deserves.”

Of course, Patriots fans aren’t upset about the expedited process. In fact, most fans felt this was the closure they needed after Brady opted to leave the Pats after 20 years for the warmer weather in Tampa Bay.

“Brady and the Patriots are like Sam Adams and a Fenway Frank, overpriced but Boston as Fuck,” said James Hernandez, a Southie native and diehard Boston sports fan. “I, uh, lost my temper a couple times watching Cam Newton and fuckin’ pretty boy Mac Jones suit up instead of the GOAT. But last night’s ceremony allowed me to come to peace with the fact our dynasty is over. Might as well go sign Scott Secules to the roster again.”

Because Tom Brady retired in 2022, he’ll first be eligible for the NFL hall of fame ballot in 2027 and, if he’s voted in on his first appearance, the Hall of Fame class of 2028. Nearly all professional sports journalists and fans, even those who despised Brady during his playing years, believe he will be a first-time ballot inductee. However, there is one person who still doubts the GOAT’s inevitable induction.

“Do you really think I’m good enough?” asked Brady. “I feel like I haven’t earned enough Superbowl rings. Should I unretire again?”

His persistent doubt about his success and constant need to keep winning may be the headlining Sportscenter story for the four years until the class of 2028 hall of fame inductees are announced. The idea that Brady may still hoard the spotlight, despite his lack of presence of the field, has many people worried.

“I just don’t want to see his ugly face anymore,” said Manning. “I don’t like that he’s more popular than me. He doesn’t even have a stupid little brother to do crappy commercials with to maintain his relevance. I hate him so much. I really need Caitlyn Clark to go rob a liquor store, or something. That will definitely take the focus off Tom and his dumb hair and perfectly chiseled jawline.”

In an unrelated note, a leaked email to the U.S. Women’s Olympic Basketball Committee shows Payton Manning as the driving force behind keeping Clark off the 2024 Women’s Olympic Basketball team.

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