ARLINGTON, Va. – The United States Army celebrated its 249th birthday today by giving its absolutely worst leaders the day off, leaving its most capable soldiers in charge of doing everything.

They also provided those unfortunate enough to be left on duty with a slice of crappy sheet cake purchased from the commissary.

“I thought about allowing all non-essential personnel to take the day off,” said Sgt. Maj. of the Army Michael R. Weimer. “But recruiting numbers are down, retention is down, and it’s just not a great time for everyone to have a three-day weekend. I know how difficult it must be for those mandated to come into the office, but I hear the commissary did a phenomenal job on this year’s birthday cake.”

This decision was understandably met with ire at the beginning of the day by those overworked and underpaid non-commissioned officers burdened with task of carrying the extra weight of those deadbeat “leaders”, but by the end of the day, it appeared those sentiments had changed.

“At first, I thought, fuck me, the big green weenie strikes again,” said Staff Sgt. Jerome Smith, the training NCO for the 94th Military Police Company. “I didn’t understand why those shitbag blue falcons were given a day off, but I wasn’t. But by lunch time, I realized I was actually getting things done because I wasn’t being micromanaged by incompetent assholes.”

Smith also said he was already used to doing all the work of everyone above him in his chain of command, but the work didn’t feel as cumbersome without those people constantly yapping in his ear about things irrelevant to the workday, while simultaneously complaining about the work they weren’t actually doing.

Of course, informing those who were given the day off that they were receiving such a privilege because no one likes them and that they’re a detriment to the organization, would only lead to Inspector General (IG) complaints—which would lead to more work for those who actually do work. So, instead, a targeted memo was sent out to those the military deemed “overstrength due to lack of capability” informing them that President Biden had just signed an executive order making the Army birthday a federal holiday and that they should “not report to duty and don’t worry about checking in with anyone because they’re tracking. Promise.”

“It was so nice for President Biden to recognize all the hard work the Army does to keep the country safe, and stuff, by giving us this day off,” said Sgt. 1st. Class Vera Josey, someone who is paid like someone who does something, but doesn’t. “I was already planning on leaving early after I did my morning coffee run from 0900 to 1200, but now I don’t have to go in at all. I love serving my country so much.”

There was a small subset of the Army community who felt today’s staffing decisions did nothing more than incentivize poor work ethic by burdening those who’re good at their jobs with more work. However, initial reports suggest that productivity across active duty was up more than 300%.

“I think, if nothing else, today’s little experiment shows that something needs to be done about how the Army approaches promotions,” said Smith. “We’re put in this awkward position where we’re told we can’t give someone a negative [non-commissioned officer evaluation report], even if the soldier is a complete shit bag. But then these people get promoted and don’t know what the fuck they’re doing and that just forces the people who are competent to get burnt out and get out of the Army. Meanwhile, these people think they’re amazing and continue to climb the ladder without any repercussions.”

Smith also said he suggested the NCOER and officer equivalent should incorporate ratings from the soldier’s subordinates in order to give a clear picture of a soldier’s capability to lead and put less emphasis on how well they do on their physical fitness test.

“I’ll probably get in trouble for saying this, but being able to run fast doesn’t make you a good leader,” said Smith. “PT is important, don’t get me wrong, but when I’m in a firefight, I want someone who can lead his or her troops with confidence, not someone who can run away quickly.”

Editor’s note: Staff Sgt. Smith was demoted to Sergeant and given four weeks of extra duty by his commander—who was one of the soldiers given the day off and scored a perfect 600 on the unit’s last Army Combat Fitness Test—for his blasphemous comments about the lack of correlations between PT and leadership.

“Overall, I think today was a huge success,” said Weimer. “I’ve already been talking to my counterparts at the Pentagon about introducing a similar opportunity in the other branches of the military. Ideally, we’d find a way to cut these people loose indefinitely, but as I said, recruiting is tough right now.”

The Coast Guard is the next service to celebrate its birthday on August 4th. According to our sources in the Department of Defense and Homeland Security, they, too, are looking to see if they can shed some dead weight around the office and see how productive they can be.

Oh, and they will also be providing cake to those who are deemed invaluable employees.

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