As the highly anticipated debate between President Joseph Biden and former President Donald Trump approaches, Alpine 6 Action News has been granted unprecedented access to both parties to report on how the two senior citizens are preparing for what may go down as the most watched presidential debate in the history of the United States.

Alpine 6’s field reporter Crag Donovan is at Catoctin Mountain Park, Maryland, commonly known as Camp David, working alongside the president’s staff and closely monitoring how Biden plans to trump Trump on the stage.

In a bid to fine-tune his debating skills ahead of his face-off with former President Trump, President Biden has retreated to Camp David. This storied presidential getaway, known for its tranquil surroundings, has become the backdrop for Biden’s intense debate preparations.

Camp David’s rustic charm provides a stark contrast to the high-stakes atmosphere within. Aides report that Biden, ever the hands-on learner, has been employing a variety of unconventional methods to ready himself for the debate, with the Etch-a-Sketch taking center stage.

“The Etch-a-Sketch is more than just a toy,” said Tad Crater, a senior advisor. “It’s about training Joe to simplify complex issues, focus on clear messages, and be ready to reset and adapt on the fly – essential skills for debating someone as unpredictable as Trump.”

Vice President Kamala Harris, a seasoned debater herself, has taken the lead in Biden’s preparation. Her role involves more than just strategic advice; she’s also the driving force behind the mock debates. “It’s a lot of work, but also a lot of fun,” Harris remarked. “Joe’s dedication to perfecting his Etch-a-Sketch technique is truly inspiring.”

While sitting on his favorite bench, Biden concentrates on his work, perfecting his current creation on his Etch-a-Sketch.

“What’re you drawing?” Harris asks Biden.

“A race car,” said Biden, perspiration forming on his forehead.

“Oh, it looks like a tree to me,” said Harris. “Did you mean to draw a tree?”

“It’s a fucking race car, Kamala,” said the president, ensuring he didn’t shake away his work in a fit. “Vroom-vroom [tire screeching noises]. It’s a mother fucking race car.”

Each day at Camp David starts early, with Biden and Harris convening on the porch of the main cabin. Biden, casually dressed in a cardigan and jeans, uses the Etch-a-Sketch to outline responses to potential debate topics, vehicles, or to capture the beautiful surroundings of the Camp David wilderness, while Harris challenges him with rapid-fire questions and interruptions mimicking Trump’s style.

The Etch-a-Sketch sessions are punctuated by regular resets, symbolizing the need to clear the board and stay focused amid the chaos. “When Trump throws out a wild claim, Joe needs to keep calm, shake off the nonsense, and draw a clear, straight line back to the truth,” Harris explained. “He also, apparently, sketches race cars.”

Biden’s team has embraced this novel approach, believing it embodies the campaign’s broader strategy of clarity and resilience. “Joe’s always been about connecting with people on a straightforward, human level,” said Rick Tossle, a campaign strategist. “The Etch-a-Sketch is a tool that keeps him grounded and focused.”

Outside the debate drills, the atmosphere at Camp David remains relaxed. Biden takes time to stroll through the wooded trails, reflecting on his responses and strategies. Harris, ever the energetic coach, often joins him, turning these walks into impromptu brainstorming sessions.

Despite the lighthearted appearance of the Etch-a-Sketch, the preparation is rigorous. Harris plays devil’s advocate, pressing Biden with tough, sometimes absurd questions to simulate the unpredictability of Trump’s debate tactics. Biden responds by methodically sketching out his answers, demonstrating a balance of patience and precision.

Political analysts are watching these preparations with keen interest. Some view the Etch-a-Sketch as a quirky but effective metaphor for Biden’s approach to the debate, emphasizing simplicity and adaptability. Others remain skeptical, questioning whether such unconventional methods can adequately prepare the President for the contentious exchanges expected.

Meanwhile, rumors about Trump’s debate preparations are as colorful as ever. Insiders suggest he is relying on a mix of late-night cable news and improvisation, with a Magic 8-Ball reportedly making an appearance. This only adds to the anticipation surrounding the debate, promising a spectacle that blends political discourse with unexpected twists.

As the debate day approaches, Biden’s team remains confident. “Joe’s ready for anything,” said Harris. “He’s focused, he’s prepared, and he’s got his Etch-a-Sketch at the ready.”

Meanwhile, Alpine 6’s unpaid intern Brad is embedded with he Trump campaign team, which is currently in Grand Junction, Colorado.

“President Trump is cool as a cucumber,” said Richard Handler, the Colorado Branch MAGA Campaign Manager. “I bet “Basement Boy” Biden is wandering through the woods, trying to think of an excuse to give the debate, and the American people the middle finger and blow the whole thing off.”

Representative Lauren Boebert, of Colorado’s’ 3rd District, has been working closely with Trump. They have their headquarters at the Buell Theatre, as the theatre offers a discount for repeat customers.

“It’s a beautiful theatre, probably the greatest theatre,” said former President Trump. “We have our Colorado headquarters here because of the symbolism, they tried to slander our party here by saying my good friend Lauren, who’s the greatest, isn’t she the greatest? Did some inappropriate stuff here.”

Meanwhile, Boebert is mustering up a crowd to cheer on the former president, because she says the crowds have a way of empowering the president and when Trump hears the roaring crowds, he becomes unstoppable.

“It’s truly a sight to see,” said Boebert. “It doesn’t matter what our Lord and Savior says, when Donny gets on a monologue neither God nor debate moderators can stop him.”

Upon hearing the former president was at the Buell Theatre, the MAGA crowd left bars, other rallies, and even morning church services to try and catch a glimpse of the twice impeached president.

“Man I tell ya, I nearly shat my pants when I heard President Trump was coming to town,” said Dale Smith. “I was building a cross for a ceremony later tonight, but I was like, ‘to hell with this,’ and I made sure my Trump, National Socialist Workers’ Party, United States of America, and Stainless Banner flags were all pressed, cleaned and flying high and mighty on my lifted F-350.”

The Buell Theatre’s parking lot was almost full of similar trucks, with similar flags. Amongst a sea of red hats, proudly proclaiming “Make America Great Again,” this red wave of Trump supporters waits to hear something, anything, from their leader.

“There’s a debate between President Trump and that illegal hack, Biden?” Asks Karen Brown, a former Shooter’s Grill bartender. “I bet my last tooth that coward Biden won’t even show up, President Trump is an unstoppable force. Illegal court gag orders can’t stop him, 34 felony convictions can’t stop him, even a full diaper can’t stop him.”

Trump, trying to convince Boebert to join him in the dark theatre while also asking everyone else to leave, seemed thrilled upon hearing dozens of supporters have shown up to support him.

“These are some of the best people,” said Trump, taking what he said were blue vitamins. “Now seriously, I have to have a word with my best friend Laurie Borsen, she can relieve stress like you wouldn’t believe, I need everyone to leave.”

About 30 seconds later, Trump and Boebert exit the theatre to meet with their adoring fans outside.

“Now I know none of ya’ll believe those leftist lies about our president,” shouted Boebert, who, after a slew of scandals, is currently running for Colorado’s 4th District. “No matter what, President Trump keeps on working for ya’ll, it don’t matter if he’s in court being illegally convicted of illegal activities or committing illegal activities, you chumps are all he ever thinks about.”

With the crowd in a violent uproar, the convicted rapist and former president, Donald Trump took to the ad hoc stand which was set up in the back of a Chevrolet Silverado.

“Listen, we all know this debate is a sham,” said Trump. “I can go out there and shit in my hand and you people will think it’s a golden egg. It truly doesn’t matter who wins or loses because I’ll win. If I lose, it’s a sham.”

This rambling went on for some time. And as America awaits the upcoming debate with bated breath, anticipating not just a clash of political ideologies, but a battle of wits and wills. With Biden’s methodical preparation and Trump’s spontaneous style, this debate promises to be a memorable chapter in the annals of American politics.

Alpine 6’s Alexis Bedfellow was with the Presidential hopeful Robert F. Kennedy Jr.’s campaign camp, and reports RFK was last seen trying to shove a Cheeto into his ear in an attempt to bring his worm back to life.

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