AMERICA – Americans all across the country are having difficulty getting out of bed this morning after decimating their bodies with copious amounts of alcohol last night while playing drinking games during the first presidential election of the 2024 election season between President Joe Biden and former President Donald Trump.

The debate, which was meant to help the American people better understand the candidates and where they stand on important issues, quickly devolved into a disgraceful performance of inaudibly muddled words and blatant lies which left most the country more confused and incredibly drunk.

“I wanted to watch a civil debate between two grown ass men who were called to public service in an effort to elevate America to its fullest potential,” said Daniel Jameson, an undecided voter from Sacramento, California. “My friends and I thought it would be fun to watch it together and have a couple drinks whenever someone misspoke a word, or something. Thirty minutes in, Sam was puking all over himself, Veronica was passed out with her head in the toilet, and Brian was streaking through the neighborhood.”

Jameson and his friends are not alone. According to reports, alcohol related emergency room visits were up across the nation nearly 400% last night and this morning.

“I haven’t seen the ER this full since a gunman opened fire in a large group of people at a concert,” said Dr. Deborah Killinger. “Don’t get me wrong, I am hung-the-fuck over, too. But, as a responsible adult, I also properly prepared and drank plenty of water, too. Preparation, I might add, is something the candidates could’ve used a lot more of in order to not turn that debate into such an astronomical cluster fuck.”

“I was expecting to take a few shots every time Biden blabbered incoherently, or Trump went on some nonsensical tirade of lies,” said Brendan Lowe, an ER patient. “But I never expected to actually check the box on my debate bingo board about the candidates arguing like children about who has a better golf handicap. How the hell are these two senior citizens the best we could come up with?”

Now look, at this point of the article, I would discuss more of what the candidates said, what was true, what was bullshit, the funny moments, and the moments that make me fear for the future of the American empire. But I’ll be honest. I, too, and way too hungover for this. Instead, go check out all the hard work the nerds at The Poynter Institute wrote. They’ve, as always, put together a great, unbiased article fact checking the debate.

Until next time, take some Advil, drink some water, and get plenty of rest you crazy kids.

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