COVID-19 microchip manufacturer embarrassed by product failure

WASHINGTON D.C. – It’s been nearly two months since the microchips within the COVID-19 vaccine were meant to activate and nothing has happened, marking yet another untimely blemish on the reputation of controversial human tracking technology company Sordid Industries.

Started in 2003 as a defense contractor for developing real-time smart tracking technology to better coordinate troops on the battlefield, Sordid’s tenuous life has been marred by misfunctioning technology, bad PR, and overall disappointment.

“We were really hoping the COVID-19 microchips would be our path to redemption with our stockholders,” said Sordid Technologies CEO Gerry Hillsman. “It’s embarrassing, I agree. We took a huge gamble, and it has yet to pay off, but we’re still working it and troubleshooting it. We’re optimistic the tech will be up and running within acceptable parameters soon.”

Sordid Technologies has been silent about the purpose of the microchips, but given the company’s background, many people have speculated the microscopic devices were designed to help the government maintain an active surveillance program on the American population. Others have speculated the entire COVID-19 pandemic was an umbrella event for the government to implement a wide series of surveillance systems without interference from the public.

“Look, I’m not saying the government is changing the batteries in birds or implanting its own citizens with microchips to monitor the entire country for signs of possible terrorist threats,” said DoD spokesman Phillip O’Toole, with a wink. “But what I will tell you is that the government is 100-percent committed to protecting the U.S. population from all extremist threats by any means possible.”

Sordid Industries was working in conjunction with the Federal Emergency Management Agency (FEMA) to activate the microchips using the agency’s nationwide emergency alert test of the Integrated Public Alert & Warning System (IPAWS) on Oct. 4, 2023.

According to the FEMA website, IPAWS is the agency’s “national system for local alerting that provides authenticated emergency and life-saving information to the public through mobile phones using Wireless Emergency Alerts, to radio and television via the Emergency Alert System, and on the National Oceanic and Atmospheric Administration’s Weather Radio.”

“We had this test on our books for several months,” said a FEMA spokesman who asked to remain anonymous. “IPAWS uses wireless technology to push emergency notifications to everyone’s wireless devices like their cell phones, tablets, and other smart devices, so it was really easy to incorporate the COVID-19 microchip activation code in there as well. We were already targeting, I mean testing everyone’s device anyway, so it made sense from a taxpayer point-of-view to do both the test and the activation at the same time.”

The FEMA test went off without a hitch, but for reasons still under investigation, the microchips failed to activate.

“I remember all our phones buzzing and alarming right on time but our monitoring software remained dormant,” said Hillsman. “We weren’t getting any signal from any of the chips. It could’ve been a problem with the injection of the COVID-19 vaccine, the chip could’ve also been overrun by people’s immune systems, we’re not sure. We expected a few chips would fail to activate but there was no way we could’ve predicted a 100-percent failure rate.”

Hillsman said his team acquired several cadavers who perished because of COVID-19 and plans to run an exhaustive amount of tests to find the root cause of the situation and hopefully find a remedy sooner rather than later.

“We put billions into the project,” said Hillsman. “We’re on the clock, I know that. I’m confident we can find a solution that will satisfy both the government and our stockholders.”

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