Fantasy author marries his smokin’ hot, badass half elf princess character

TALLAHASSEE, Fla. – A local man recently married a woman he says is the ‘love of his life’ in a literal fairytale wedding. Family and friends of Norman Clark, a fantasy author, were dressed in medieval replica clothing reminiscent of a renaissance faire or Lord of the Rings convention at this bizarre nuptial.

While these over-the-top themed weddings are not uncommon, what makes this particular nuptial newsworthy is the fact the bride is a half-elf princess character from a series of novels written by the groom.

Clark, 38, has published more than fifteen books in his career, his most popular being his Turnstile of Destiny books, from which his blushing new bride hails from.

“I started writing the Turnstile saga about fifteen years ago,” said Clark. “Esmerelda (his wife) started out as a minor character, a damsel in distress that Gronak the Barbarian and his band of misfit adventurers needed to save from the evil wizard Isior. But over time, I decided I didn’t want my books to fall into that trope where the woman always needed to be saved by the man, so I gave her a more detailed backstory and made her more than capable of defending herself. She’s now one of the most—if not the most—badass character in the books. I love her.”

To better understand Esmerelda’s transformation, the staff here at Alpine 6 Action News read the entire Turnstile of Destiny saga. In book one, the princess is, as Clark described, a minor character with only a handful of lines which make her come across as dry and prudish. By the end of the latest book, however, Esmerelda is center stage, casting a rather large shadow over the other protagonists with her oversexualization, flirtation, and daring feats of bravery to save the otherwise useless cast of heroes.

“This went from The Lion, the Witch, and the Wardrobe to 50 Shades of Rivendell real quick,” said Alpine 6’s Bartholomew Alexander Von Fredericks III. “It’s nothing but fantasy smut, now. Not that I’m complaining, really. I can totally see how people would find Esmerelda hot, but his descriptions of the female body and of particular sexual acts made me wonder if he’s ever been with a woman before. I real one, I mean.”

Clark insists he has been with a woman before and said Esmerelda’s personality is based on another character, one played by a real woman.

“I once had this huge crush on an Orc Paladin named Astrea, who was played by a girl named Jessica in our LARP group,” said Clark. “She was an incredibly powerful, sexy, and smart character. So, I asked Jessica out and took her to Olive Garden later that day. It was nice, but Jessica is an accountant at the credit union, which is just so, so boring. I think it was around that time I realized I’m just a guy who was born in the wrong realm.”

Clark also said it was during his development of Esmerelda into that strong, independent female lead, that he began to develop feelings for his creation.

“Esmerelda looks just like Jessica with her long, blond hair and *coughs* nice bosom,” said Clark. “I think it was around book four or five that I realized just how similar she was to Astrea. Writing her scenes made me feel like I was with her, talking with her, touching her, doing—other things—with her. I felt the same love for Esmerelda as I did with Astrea, except she isn’t a facade for a boring person with a boring job in the boring real world.”

It was during his launch party for the latest Turnstile book, The Rose of War, that Clark explained how he and Esmerelda had grown so much closer during the months he’s spent writing the book and that they’d decided to become more than just friends. Soon after, he announced their engagement. The news was received with understandable confusion by his friends.

“I’m happy for him, I guess,” said Derek Lisbon, a longtime fan who drove from Ohio to be at the event. “But how does that work? She’s not real. How do you marry someone who’s not real? How do they do … anything together?”

Those are some very important and important questions which we do not have the specifics about. However, what we do know is that Clark isn’t the first person to marry an inanimate object, so I suppose love will always find a way to win in the end.

The wedding’s attendees had just as many questions as Lisbon and more than likely walked away from the ceremony with more questions than answers.

“He could’ve married a real girl, or a man, or been in one of those multi-person relationships we hear about on TLC, hell, he could’ve remained a bachelor and I would’ve been happy,” said Richard Clark, Norman’s father. “but my job as a dad is to make sure my kids are happy and healthy. I don’t know if I succeeded, I fear I haven’t, but I’ll support him no matter what.”

“I don’t know what the hell just happened,” said Jessica, who was politely asked not to attend the wedding dressed as Astrea to avoid any emotional conflict with the groom. “I was told there was an open bar, so here I am … but yeah, this whole situation is weird as fuck.”

“I suppose it’s a little weird because Esmerelda’s kind of like my daughter in a way, seeing as I created her,” said Clark. “But she’s the most beautiful, perfect person ever made. I love her and I don’t care what other people think.”

That wasn’t the reason people found this situation odd, of course, but now that he mentions it, that makes the situation so, so much worse.

News of Clark’s nuptials has spread across the literary world and left people wondering how this will affect the Turnstile of Destiny saga. The last few books saw Esmerelda transition from a face of respected royalty to a promiscuous femme fatale who flaunts her sexuality to lure Isior’s troops into her traps. Some fans even speculated the sexual tension between Esmerelda and Gronak the Barbarian would soon boil over into a full-blown romantic arc.

“You know, I thought I was okay with Esmerelda’s promiscuity because she used her God-given good looks to save the kingdom from an evil wizard,” said Clark. “But now that she’s my wife, I can’t see myself sharing her with anyone. I know a lot of fans ship Esmerelda and Gronak. They call them ‘Gronerelda’. But he’s as good as dead now. I can’t risk having her cheat on me with that oversized muscular meathead.”

Will this relationship last? Will we see Gronak and Esmerelda together (platonically) in future books? We don’t know and quite frankly, we’re a little too weirded out by this whole situation to follow up on it. When does The Winds of Winter come out, again?

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