PORTLAND, Ore. – A local couple were distraught to learn the camera they were using every day for the past 18 years to capture images of their child didn’t have a memory card in it.

After seeing a friend’s video montage of their kid’s first year of life, Cindy and Fred McCarthy decided to go a step further and document every day of their child’s life until his 18th birthday, when they would edit the video to sync with Alan Jackson’s song Remember When. It was a move the McCarthy’s said would guarantee a “flood of tears” at their kid’s high school graduation and bring instant social media clout—you know, so they can be the cool parents.

“I know I put the memory card in there,” said Fred. “I honestly have no idea what happened to it.”

“This is why I can’t trust him to do anything and I feel like I need to hold his hand through everything,” said Cindy. “Eighteen years of our lives were ruined because of his ineptitude. I should’ve listened to my mother and married Barry St. Clair. He’s a hedge fund manager now and is doing very, very well for himself.”

At the time of writing this article, we’ve learned Fred and Cindy have filed for divorce. According to court documentation, the memory card was not the cause for the separation, but our sources close to the situation say it was probably the final nail in the coffin for the relationship.

“I don’t think my parents ever really liked each other,” said Jackson McCarthy, taking a memory card out of his pocket and placing it on the table. “I needed this for my Nintendo Switch. I didn’t realize how much those stupid photos meant to my parents. I hated taking them, but that didn’t matter to them. Honestly, I’m kind of happy I deleted them all so I could play Animal Crossing: New Horizons during the pandemic. I couldn’t stand being stuck inside the house with them all day. Tom Nook is my honest-to-God lifesaver.”

Jackson also told us he’s accepted a scholarship to study psychology at Worcester Polytechnic Institute in Massachusetts. He hasn’t told his parents about his decision yet, but he hopes to one day become a family psychiatrist to help families like his overcome the root causes of their problems and to help parents better understand the detrimental side effects of using their children to chase popularity online.

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