Santa joins coal mining lobby: “there’s too much naughty in this world for green energy”

THE NORTH POLE – Kris Kringle, the jolly gift-bearing elf more commonly known as Santa Claus in most parts of the world, has joined the coal mining lobby to “promote the importance of the industry and warn of a potential global catastrophe should it fail” according to a press release distributed by the Santa’s Workshop public affairs office.

The shocking move came as a surprise to most, but according to leading economists, the writing was on the wall for years.

“In 2019, the global demand for coal dropped nearly 2% and has been on a steady decline ever since thanks to competition with natural gas and renewable energy sources such as solar and wind,” said Dr. Devin Guilford, chief economist at the U.S. Department of Energy. “You pair that with the seemingly exponential growth of naughtiness around the globe and it’s easy to see that if trends continue, there may not be enough coal to fill stockings in five years.”

Guilford also said the supply could evaporate even sooner if immediate action isn’t taken.

“We run our workshop on fairy dust and Christmas spirit, so it’s not like we’ve got anything against renewable energy,” said Bernard CocoaDoodle, the North Pole’s lead public affairs officer. “But the figures don’t lie. Russia has invaded Ukraine for whatever reason, Israel and Hamas are at it again, there are too many mass-shootings every day to count. Kids in the U.S. are putting Kevlar plates in their backpacks to protect themselves for Blitzen-sake. We haven’t seen naughtiness numbers like this since the dark ages.”

The tradition of giving coal in a child’s stocking has baffled experts for generations. Some believe it started in Sicily when La Befana, a witchy counterpart to Santa Claus, followed the Christmas star but couldn’t find Jesus’ manger so she began spreading toys to good boys and girls and coal to the naughty ones. Others believe it started in Holland or England and given to poor children as a punishment by God for their family’s bad deeds (of being poor).

According to CocoaDoodle, the tradition truly started in the 16th century. Coal nuggets were given to naughty boys and girls because it was dirty and useless, a symbol of their behavior through the year. The meaning shifted a little in the 19th century when coal was the primary source of heat in most of Europe. The coal was meant to help teach the naughty child to be helpful by receiving a household necessity.

The North Pole hopes Santa’s influence will help the coal mining lobby pass some important legislation to maintain a certain level of coal mining activities in the United States to keep up with demand of the growing naughty list. If they’re able to find success in the U.S., Claus Enterprises hopes to expand its reach into Europe, Asia, and Africa.

“There are a few naughty politicians Santa thinks he can sway with some special, discreet gifts the elves made this past year,” said CocoaDoodle. “We’re optimistic the parties in question will be able to come together and draft some important bipartisan legislation that will keep the coal mines open and ready for business.”

CocoaDoodle also said everyone at the North Pole understands this is a quick fix and further measures need to be taken to lower the demand for coal.

“Listen, all of us up here at the North Pole are very conscious about global warming,” said CocoaDoodle. “This past year alone we’ve lost several acres of important reindeer training grounds thanks to the snows melting. We’re looking at alternative forms of stocking punishments for the naughty list, but truth be told, there’s too much naughtiness in this world for green energy right now. It won’t happen overnight, but we need to reduce global levels of naughtiness and improve Christmas spirit levels. That’s how we’ll reduce our demand on coal.”

Public statements released from the offices of Amu Nowruz, Nian, Saint Valentine, Jack Frost, the Great Pumpkin, Cupid, Krampus, the May Queen, Father Time, the Easter Bunny, La Befana, Ded Moroz, and Baby New Year have all come out in support of Santa’s decision.

“Traditions are what keep the holiday spirit alive and allow it to transpire across generations of believers,” said Hanukkah Harry. “We support Santa and have started discussion on how we can all come together to reduce naughtiness across the world and throughout the years, because this isn’t just a Christian endemic, it’s a global pandemic.”

The Council of Legends is scheduled to hold their first meeting of the year to discuss these issues on the Monday of the second week of January to give Baby New Year enough time to learn how to speak and sit up on his or her own.

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