FREDERICKSBURG, Va. – Local schools have started banning the sale of any books that might contain words at their annual Scholastic Book Fair, a cornerstone in the American education system since 1981.

Originally, the school board was only going to remove books from the fair that contained themes parents might find inappropriate for their kids, such as stories that tackle prominent social issues such as gender fluidity, sexuality, and race.

“School is a place to learn things like math and social studies, not why you feel confused about why you were born with a penis or breasts,” said Gertrude Wellby, a senior member of the Fredericksburg board of education. “Frankly, I think it’s something of an absurd conversation anyway, but if it must be had, it should be done at home with the parents or with an expert like a priest at church.”

The book ban quickly got out of hand and expanded to include any book that might contain words or pictures that might make a child ask questions. This included any science-themed book that promoted the idea of evolution without any mention of creationism, any ‘sexual’ content other than holding hands, and any witchcraft, sorcery, or ungodly creatures such as dragons, elves, or trolls.

“These books are making it really hard to be a good parent,” said Michelle Young, a mother of two teenagers. “My son recently read a book be bought at last year’s book fair and now he says he’s an ‘ally’ for LGBTQ people and my daughter asked why she’s not allowed to have any of her black friends over at the house. It’s disgusting. This is not how we raised our kids to behave.”

One of the books banned from the book fair was the popular bedtime story, Llama Llama Red Pajama, which Wellby said was deemed inappropriate because it promotes an unhealthy family dynamic since the book fails to portray a strong father figure (or any father figure for that matter) for the young camelid.

“I think we’ve trusted the system for too long,” said Wellby. “I haven’t read a book in years, so I didn’t realize how woke these so called ‘children’s books’ have become. It’s really gross and the publishers of this smut should be ashamed of themselves.”

Wellby also said she found it offensive that books like Llama Llama were printed in other languages other than English. “I don’t know who those are intended for, but here in America we speak English. That’s what our Founding Fathers wanted.”

Support for the ban was solidified following testimony from a Texas woman who said the Scholastic book fair caused her to become addicted to pornography.

The woman in question said she read a book from the Scholastic Book fair when she was 11 that contained “a single kiss” which enticed her so much that she started looking for other books that brought her the same level of pleasure and forced her start scrolling the annals (and anals) of Pornhub.

Critics of the book ban say the school board is severely overreacting and using this action as a way to prohibit children from learning about issues important to them.

“These kids are going through a time of self-exploration and understanding,” said Dr. Mary Handler, a renown child psychologist. “Many of them don’t feel comfortable talking about these issues with their friends or family because they fear repercussions, so they turn to these books where characters are going through similar development. Reading a story with a queer character or a character experiencing racist behavior isn’t going to turn your child gay or racist, but it will help them better understand the intricacy and diversity of our society. It will make them better stewards of our planet.”

“We need to stop poisoning our kids with knowledge,” said Wellby. “People are acting like we’re living in Fahrenheit 451, whatever that is, but it’s well documented that it was the forbidden fruit of knowledge that got Adam and Eve kicked out of the garden of Eden. If we’re going to save our children, we need to keep them away from disgusting smut like John Green’s Looking for Alaska and others.”

While this year’s Scholastic book fair will be a little sparce, with only a few select titles—including many cardboard books for toddlers—the school board is looking at alternative options for children to get appropriate, Jesus-friendly, books. Meanwhile, school districts that haven’t implemented this absurd ban are expected to see a higher return of well-informed, kind, and civically-minded children.

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