Pope officially declares Die Hard a Christmas movie

VATICAN CITY – It’s that time of year where people around the world are decorating Christmas trees, baking cookies for Santa Claus, wrapping presents, and vehemently debating whether or not Die Hard is a Christmas movie. But now, it seems, the debate is finally over.

In an official proclamation this morning at the Vatican, Pope Francis has declared that Die Hard is, in fact, a Christmas movie and detailed the reasons why he came to this conclusion.

“Quite frankly, I’m tired of trying to explain to people why it’s a Christmas movie, that’s why I made this proclamation,” the Pope said. “I understand why some people might not see this kick-ass action flick as a Christmas movie, but I watch Die Hard every year, it’s a longstanding tradition. I sandwich it between Miracle on 34th Street and Jim Carrey’s The Grinch Who Stole Christmas.”

People who claim that the Bruce Willis flick isn’t a holiday film say it’s because the overwhelming violence in the film don’t match with the Christian lifestyle. And while the Pope acknowledges his religion’s messages of love and forgiveness, he also understands the Church doesn’t have the greatest track record of non-violence in history.

“Look, I’m not going to stand here and tell you the Crusades didn’t exist,” the Pope said. “Yes, an estimated 5 million people died at the hand of Christian warriors, but that was over a span of, like, 200 years. That’s only 25,000 people a year. More than 20-times that many kids die each year from diarrhea. Who’s the real enemy here?”

“I know we preach ‘love thy neighbor’ and whatnot,” the Pope added. “But let’s be honest with ourselves, what’s more loving to your neighbor than mowing down a group of terrorists to save those neighbors? Yippee-ki-yay!”

According to the proclamation, these are the reasons Pope Francis declared Die Hard a Christmas movie:

The movie takes place on Christmas Eve
The movie begins with Bruce Willis’ character, John McClane, getting off a plane in Los Angeles to visit his family for Christmas.

Christmas symbolism
From the music (including Run DMC’s Christmas in Hollis and Frank Sinatra’s rendition of Let it Snow) to the decorations, a majority of the movie is centralized around Christmas themes.

Christmas dialog
For a movie that people say isn’t about Christmas, the characters sure do a lot of talking about Christmas. In fact, the word Christmas is mentioned 18 times throughout the film. For example, John McClane is wished a “merry Christmas” when he lands at LAX and Hans Gruber later says, “It’s Christmas, Theo, it’s a time for miracles”.

Sleigh bells ring at the 1:50 timestamp
What’s more Christmasy than Santa’s sleigh bells, you know, the ones that kid asks for in The Polar Express (a book which no one questions its Christmas authenticity)

Then, there’s Holly McClane
John’s wife’s name is Holly. Holly, a species of flowering plants in the family Aquifoliaceae, is often called “Christ’s thorn” and has been used as a Christian symbol since medieval times.

Hans has 12 henchmen and there are 12 days of Christmas
This is too obvious to be a coincidence. Danny Ocean only needed 11 people to pull off one of the most miraculous heists in movie history, so why did Hans Gruber need an additional person? Seems a little unnecessary unless the writers were going for a little extra hidden symbolism here.

It features Santa Claus
Okay, so Santa is technically just a dead terrorist, but it would be a little out of place for a jolly fat man to be asking kids what they want for Christmas in this movie.

It even snows
It technically snows untraceable bearer bonds that Hans and his crew were trying to steal, but does it even snow real snow in LA? Let’s give the writers an extra point for creativity for this one.

Family, Love, and Togetherness
On the surface, Die Hard may seem like just an action flick set during Christmastime. But if you look closer, you can discover its true meaning. It’s about a man who traveled across the country on Christmas Eve to rekindle his relationship with his wife and kids so he could try and keep his family together. And let’s not forget Sgt. Al Powell’s road to redemption. If you replaced the terrorists with a failing family bakery in a small town, you’d basically have a Hallmark movie.

The movie’s writer says it’s a Christmas movie
Okay, last but not least, one of Die Hard’s writers has publicly expressed his opinion on this debate and agrees it’s a Christmas movie. And, unlike the creator of the gif (g=graphics, why would you pronounce it like a “J”?), we’re going to believe him.

This is the point of an article like this where we’d ask you to chime in with your thoughts on the debate, but the freakin’ Pope has already said what he said. Debate over. Have a great day.

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