According to WebMD, Rudolph’s red nose is killing him

THE NORTH POLE – Fans of the Yuletide have a concerning theory about one of Christmas’ most famous icons, citing his noticeable absence from the yearly globetrot, and point to an article on WebMD as potential proof of a tragic diagnosis for the historic holiday celebrity.

Rudolph the red nosed reindeer first rose to fame during the winter of 1939 when a terrible blizzard threatened Santa’s ability to deliver presents to all the good boys and girls around the world. The tiny arctic caribou’s blinking red nose had originally brought shame upon his family and ridicule from his peers in the herd but ended up being the perfect evolutionary defect to save Christmas that year.

Rudolph’s lack of experience pulling a sleigh and navigating the globe were overshadowed by his grit and determination; and inspired bards from around the realm to sing songs about his exploits, which have canonically become a pillar in Christmas lore.

It’s been said that at the conclusion of Rudolph’s historic ride, his fellow reindeer cast aside their previous prejudice and loved the four-legged misfit for who he was, and even “shouted out with glee” upon his return. Yet, despite this newfound fame and praise, NORAD’s annual Santa tracker has shown that the fat man still only rides with eight reindeer on Christmas night.

So, what happened to Rudolph?

According to some eagle-eyed internet sleuths, the answer to the reindeer’s status was blinking right before our eyes, and it’s not a good prognosis.

“We think of Rudolph’s nose as this cheerful symbol of inclusivity,” said Brian May, a self-proclaimed Rudolph scholar. “But the truth of the matter is, a bright red nose is an obvious symptom of a serious medical condition.”

The original literary story of Rudolph the red-nosed reindeer was denied by publishers because a red nose was symbolic of chronic alcoholism. Some prominent Christmas skeptics also believe the other reindeer’s crass behavior toward Rudolph was further proof of his addiction to beer and liquor and that the stories and songs about him are more tales of caution than acceptance.

“We all have that obnoxious uncle who comes to Christmas and reeks of booze,” said Sam Lopez, founder of the Rudolph Deniers Club. “All the evidence points to the fact that Rudolph was a drunk and no one wanted him around. They made fun of him because he was an embarrassment to all reindeer. They didn’t let him play in any of their reindeer games because no one likes to hang out with an alcoholic.”

While he agrees that some of the symbolism could point toward alcoholism, May said it doesn’t explain why Santa would invite Rudolph to guide his sleigh through a blizzard.

“I don’t think Rudolph was an alcoholic,” said May. “I think that whole theory is a stretch. The more likely situation is that Rudolph’s red nose is more likely a result of him suffering from polychondritis.”

According to Harvard Health Publishing, polychondritis, also called relapsing polychondritis, is a rare disease in which cartilage in many areas of the body becomes inflamed. The disease most commonly affects the ears, nose and the airways of the lungs. The cause is not known … a leading theory is that polychondritis is an autoimmune disease, in which the immune system attacks the body rather than foreign invaders such as viruses.

Polychondritis is treatable, but given the austere environment in the North Pole, treatment for such a rare disease may not be possible and, untreated, this illness can be fatal.

“I hate to say it, but I think Rudolph may be really ill, if not already passed,” said May. “What I find most concerning, however, is how we’ve received absolutely no information from the North Pole about Rudolph’s condition. We hear about Dasher and Dancer and Prancer and Vixen, Comet and Cupid and Donder and Blitzen, but Rudolph has been 1986’d from all other official correspondence.”

“We appreciate everyone’s concern about Rudolph’s well-being,” said Bernard CocoaDoodle, the North Pole’s lead public affairs officer. “For security purposes, we don’t elaborate on the medical status of our reindeer, but what I will say is that Santa’s sleigh is specially calibrated to accommodate a team of eight reindeer under normal weather conditions. Rudolph is a specialist who is not a regular member of the sleigh team but remains trained and ready to be called upon at a moment’s notice if the weather conditions require his expertise.”

With all the secrecy surrounding Santa’s Workshop, we may never know what really happened to Rudolph, if anything. But if you hear sleigh bells ring this Christmas Eve and the weather is foul, make sure to look to the sky and look for a bright red blinking beacon leading a team of reindeer and Santa’s sleigh.

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