ARLINGTON, Va. – The National Guard has thrown one of the most epic, all-night parties since MTV’s Spring Break ’99 in Cancún, Mexico to celebrate the organization’s birthday.

A typical military birthday celebration involves a ceremonial cutting of cake, speeches by important figureheads, and maybe a re-enlistment or two. However, after decades of being viewed as the red-headed stepchild of the military, the National Guard has turned the celebration up a notch, calling in favors from hit musical artists such as Ariana Grande, Eminem, Billie Eilish, and 90s one-hit-wonders Chumbawamba, to remind all the other branches who the OG military force is in the United States.

“This isn’t just about which branch of the military has been around longer nor does it have anything to do with grievances about how little of the National Defense Authorization Act the National Guard gets every year,” said Col. Huntley Cruze, a judge advocate general officer at National Guard Bureau. “It’s also about the fact that we’re the only constitutionally recognized military force in the country and have a long, storied history of drinking, causing shenanigans, and partying harder than we work.”

The party was hosted in the National Guard’s new heritage room at Patton Hall at Joint Base Myer-Henderson Hall, which opened earlier this year. It was a fitting location for a party to celebrate the nearly 400 years of valorous warfare and epic partying the National Guard has partaken in around the globe.

“The 1636 Room is a tribute to that tradition, a commemoration of a force unlike any other—one that continues to have an impact as 20% of the Joint Force and continues to shape the course of history,” said Gen. Daniel Hokanson during the room’s unveiling ceremony Nov. 1, 2023.

The celebration did start like any other, however. All the service members gathered around a small table with a white cloth covering to watch the most senior and junior Guardsmen in attendance ceremoniously cut a sheet cake with a sword. But as soon as the blade sliced its way through the vanilla cream frosting, a sick musical beat was dropped by Dutch EDM disk jockey Martin Garrix.

“As soon as that first beat hit, the lights dropped low, the smoke machines and lasers turned on, and shot girls appeared almost magically out of nowhere to hand out Jello shots, it was so insane,” said Spc. Amanda Guthrie, a human resources specialist. “My boyfriend said he had some pretty crazy barracks parties when he was on active duty, but I can’t imagine they compared anything to this.”

“Look, I know Marines and Sailors have a reputation for being heavy drinkers, and there’s nothing better than sharing a pint and a box of Crayola with your jarheads to celebrate a shitty week in the field,” said a senior active-duty Marine who asked to remain anonymous. “But between you and me, there ain’t no party like a National Guard party. Bars used to be standard issue in armories back in the day for Christ sake—thanks Osama—these cats don’t mess around.”

To everyone’s delight, especially the senior non-commissioned officers in attendance, the pre-party safety brief was effective. There was no drinking and driving, no fornication with anyone who wasn’t the appropriate, consensual coitus partner, there were no encounters with law enforcement, and no drugs were misused (although we do have it on good authority that a random, 100% urinalysis will be conducted this morning).

“I am really, really hungover,” said Sen. Airman Michael Fudderlane, a budget analyst. “I’m so glad I’m in the National Guard and don’t have to go do PT at some God-awful time before the sun gets up. I’m going to go find a couch or something to lay down on with a bottle of water and hope I don’t die. I can’t wait to see what’s in store for next year’s birthday.”

The foundation of the National Guard dates back to Dec. 13, 1636, when the first militia regiments were officially formed in the Massachusetts colony, laying the groundwork for the military we know, love, and pay so much fucking taxes to fund, today. Although there are no surviving historical documents to prove its authenticity, it’s believed the Massachusetts militiamen celebrated equally as hard (by 1600s standards) as the Army and AirForce Guardsman did last night.

To learn more about the National Guard and, maybe, get more information to sign up in time for next year’s birthday party, go to nationalguard.com.

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