Man reluctantly drinks water after forgetting to pick up more beer

PROVIDENCE, R.I. – A local man has reluctantly switched to drinking water after discovering he forgot to buy more beer for the family holiday party he’s attending.

Alfred Dickins, 34, said he didn’t really want to attend the festivities but was coerced into going when his mother implied this may be his grandfather’s last Christmas due to his declining health.

“Do I love my family? Of course I do,” said Dickins. “But it’s only a matter of time until someone starts talking about something they know is going to devolve into a political debate. It’s like a less civilized Jerry Springer showdown.”

Dickins’ solution to protect himself from the vitriol was a twelve pack of Samuel Adams’ new Old Fezzwig holiday beer. As a man who doesn’t drink a lot, he thought the dozen alcoholic beverages would be enough, but thanks to his generous heart and miscalculation of when the shit would hit the fan, Dickins is now out of beer and the main course of dinner has yet to be served.

“My little cousin Abby is here, she just turned 21,” said Dickins. “I recognized the look on her face from across the room, she was enjoying the party about as much as someone might enjoy a root canal without anesthesia. She’s a good kid, I couldn’t leave her hanging like that. Unfortunately, the ruckus between Uncle Henry and my dad started early this year. I’m not sure how much longer we can maintain our sanity.”

“I also thought we had more beer in the garage refrigerator but that’s apparently been replaced by tinfoil-wrapped food I can only assume is leftover from Thanksgiving,” added Dickins.

Abby Gertwig, Dickins’ cousin, offered to make a beer run but that would require successfully navigating her way through the sea of elderly loitering in the kitchen who would inevitably pull her aside for an in-depth interrogation about her college experience and whether or not she’s found a suitable young man to court her yet (she’s 100% lesbian and in a healthy, loving relationship with another woman at school but doesn’t want to jump on top of that grenade in this already hostile environment).

“I can feel my buzz wearing off,” said Gertwig. “I’m compelled to try and escape, for Alfred’s and my own sake, but I don’t know if I have what it takes. At least everyone’s eyesight is so bad they can’t see us in this corner. That might be our only defense right now, but I don’t know how long it will last.”

The duo’s hiding place nearly came under siege when Aunt Delores wandered toward their corner of the room looking for the bathroom. She approached with a wide smile, a clear indication she was locked and loaded with awkward questions and semi-racist opinions. Thankfully, Dickins and Gertwig stood very still, knowing the slightest movement might trigger an attack, and the wayward relative’s focus shifted toward a young, helpless cousin who wandered too close into her peripheral view.

“My heart is absolutely racing,” said Dickins. “I know that if we can hold out until the food is served, everyone will become too preoccupied with stuffing their faces and complimenting my grandma on her overly dry turkey to pay any attention to us. Then, once the meal is done, everyone will settle back down into their spots on the couch or in a recliner and pass the fuck out, giving us a window to escape.”

This situation is ongoing, and we will provide updates when they become available. In the meantime, the two young adults stranded in this house of horrors has asked for your thoughts and prayers as they hope their bottle of water will hold them through this ordeal.

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