“Experts” warn of impending doom from massive asteroid that will most certainly miss Earth

HOUSTON, Texas – Self-proclaimed religious and science experts have issued a grave warning about humanity’s impending doom from a “world ending” asteroid that will make a close pass but will most certainly miss Earth next year.

The asteroid, named 2023 XL69, is approximately 1,656 meters, or 5,434 feet (or approximately 418 alligators if you’re American) wide and expected to whizz pass Earth about 4 million miles away.

“The so-called government experts will say the asteroid will pose no risk to our planet, but we know better,” said Hillary Larue, a cleric at the Church of Nibiru and Cthulhu. “We have undeniable proof that 2023 XL69 is no other than the prophesized world-ender, Nibiru. The world needs to prepare for its destruction.”

Scientists at the National Aeronautics and Space Agency (NASA) who are tracking 2023 XL69 said that an impact from a space rock this size would have apocalyptic consequences for life on Earth, but they aren’t concerned about a collision with the space behemoth.

“2023 XL69 is a huge chunk of iron, ice, and other metals,” said Dr. David Guthrie, a leading astronomer at the U.S. Space Force’s Space Surveillance Telescope Exmouth, Australia. “Given its size, if it were to strike Earth, it would be catastrophic. It would be the end of life on Earth as we know it. Fortunately, the closest it’s going to get to Earth is about five million miles. We may see some residual effects from its gravitational pull, but nothing life-threatening.”

Despite reassurance from scientists like Guthrie, panic has still run rampant through online forums thanks to the obnoxiously loud and persistent voices of Larue and other cult—erm, religious—leaders from the Church of Nibiru and Cthulhu. This rise in distrust of professional scientists and experts spiked during the COVID-19 pandemic as people who were stuck in quarantine became overstimulated by content creators spreading misinformation and disinformation.

“The problem is, people don’t trust experts anymore,” said Tom Deville, an online expertise expert. “We grew up in an era where we were taught to treat our elders with respect and that with age came wisdom. But the pandemic really opened people’s eyes to the fact that old people are just people, too. So, why should I trust some stranger online who supposedly has multiple PhD’s in credible fields when I could trust a stranger on the internet who says things I want to be true, instead.”

Given the mentality Deville has outlined, it begs the question, why would people want an asteroid, that could wipe out all of life on the planet, to strike the Earth? Demarcus Jones, a cashier at Walmart, may have the explanation.

“Have you seen the state of the plant?” Jones asked. “Inflation is out of control, the cost of living is through the roof—pun intended, groceries as unaffordable, and I ain’t seen a raise in over three years. I’ll be true with you, the destruction of the human race feels like a better solution than trying to fix all that’s fucked up ’round here.”

We polled 100 of the world’s wealthiest people and asked them if they would consider raising their employees’ wages and benefits to a more livable level if it meant avoiding a world-ending catastrophe. Unanimously, they answered “no”.

For more information on NASA’s research into its Near Earth Objects (NEOs), check out the Jet Propulsion Laboratory’s Center for Near Earth Object Studies Close Approach Data.