HR launches investigation into who shit on the bathroom floor

PORTLAND, Ore. – The human resources department at the local branch of Dookie Shooster’s is launching an investigation into who keeps shitting on the bathroom floor.

The string of incidents began three weeks ago. The first steaming mound of stinky excrement was discovered by a female associate using the unisex bathroom to pump breastmilk, as it was the only place the company would provide her and the other breastfeeding mothers.

“Would I have preferred a designated room to take care of this? Yes,” said Mary Potter, the woman who made the initial HR complaint. “Even though we have several empty offices from the most recent wave of layoffs, we were told it would be inappropriate to use because someone might be hired and use it someday. And you know what? I was too tired to fight them on this, but now people are shitting on the floor? This place sucks.”

Potter was told that a single incident of fecal material deposited on the bathroom floor was not cause for a formal investigation, but after the perpetrator, affectionally known as the “fecal phantom”, left several more steamy surprises for their fellow employees, the HR department was forced to reconsider the evidence.

“We were really hoping this situation would resolve itself,” said Karen Peck, Dookie Shooster’s director of human resources. “Sadly, this disgusting human has some weird fetish and now I have to do paperwork to clean up this mess. I feel disgusting just thinking about it.”

After further investigation, it appears the first incident occurred the day after business owners made the decision to cut healthcare coverage and monetary bonuses for its employees despite record profits the previous quarter. In a memo to the company that was leaked just before Christmas, Thad Lowry, Dookie Shooster’s CEO, thanked the employees for their year of hard work and praised them as the “backbone” of the organization. Twenty-four hours later, half the staff was let go and benefits were cut.

“I’m not saying I shit on the floor, but whoever did is a goddamn hero,” said Trevor Trembly, an accounts manager. “My family relied on my health insurance and now I have to go back to selling methamphetamines to my cousin and his stupid friends just to pay the bills.”

Trembly’s sentiments were echoed by others. One employee, who asked to remain anonymous, said the workplace environment has deteriorated ever since the merger of the Dookie Imports and Shooster & Son’s companies. Several co-workers have banded together to help the new mothers by giving up their offices to give them somewhere that isn’t a toilet to take care of their maternal needs, and they’ve started a Slack group to share job postings and provide resume feedback.

“I’ve noticed a general uptick of employee dissatisfaction,” said Lowry on a call from his private yacht in the Carribean. “This is a really difficult time for everyone. People should be happy they have a job, a good job I might add that pays pretty close to industry standard. Perhaps if they lay off the $5 lattes and avocado toast, they can afford those medical bills and rent. Quit bitching, get back to grinding, and stop shitting on my floor.”

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