Toddler beats murder charges with adorable apology

FLAGSTAFF, Ariz. – A local toddler, who was on trial for first degree murder charges, was allowed to walk free this afternoon after the jury accepted his adorable apology.

Damien Thorn, 3, was arrested late last year after being accused of murdering his parents following a dispute over his continued use of a pacifier and his lack of ambition for learning to use the potty.

“Police found Mr. Thorn covered in blood and holding the murder weapon,” said Edward Victorino, the prosecution’s lawyer. “We couldn’t get a comprehensive confession out of him, but I was pretty certain it was an open-and-shut case. However, hearing him babble today in court with those chubby little cheeks and big blue eyes, how could you stay mad at him. He’s so darn cute.”

In his closing remarks, Thorn looked toward the jury and babbled on for five minutes with a nonsensical story about a dinosaur and a pick-up truck, which may (or may not) have something to do with Bluey and the Blippi playing Minecraft with a silly goose. He wrapped up his comments with a cute giggle that caused an eruption of laughter from the rest of the courtroom.

“I looked at the evidence the prosecution laid out—the photos, the testimonies, etcetera, and I was prepared to adjourn with my fellow jurors and declare the kid guilty,” said Kim Mellows. “But after hearing him tell us that story, my heart just melted. Then there was that laugh. Oh, my God. I can feel my uterus glowing just thinking about it. I need a baby in me, like, right now. What are you doing after this interview?”

Thorn was arrested on June 25th after police were called to his home when neighbors heard screaming and crying. What officers found when they arrived was described as nothing short of a “horror show”.

“I don’t think I’ve ever seen that much blood,” said Sgt. Brian Marks, the first responder on the scene of the murder. “And the cackle in that young boy’s laugh still haunts me at night. I’m not a religious man or a betting man, but I’d wager $100 that kid is possessed by a demon—an adorable demon I want to play peek-a-boo with.”

Because Thorn is an adolescent, the judge in his case ordered he be placed under the legal custody of his uncle, American diplomat Robert Thorn.

“My wife and I recently lost our son at childbirth,” said Robert Thorn. “The loss of my brother and his wife is a terrible tragedy but we’re incredibly grateful to have the opportunity to bring Damien into our lives. We know if won’t happen overnight, but we’re hopeful he will fill the void left by the loss of our little boy and perhaps we can fill the void left by his parent’s untimely departure.”

Thorn also said he has been reassigned as the new U.S. Ambassador to the United Kingdom and hopes the move will provide a fresh start for the family.

EDITOR’S NOTE: following a series of mysterious and deadly events leading to Robert Thorn’s death at the hand of police and his wife Kathy’s death by defenestration at a local hospital, Damien has been placed in foster care until he can be placed with a new family.

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