Florida court rules DeSantis must carry election campaign to term

TALLAHASSEE, Fla. – Florida Governor and Republican presidential hopeful Ron DeSantis announced he was aborting his election campaign Jan. 21, 2023.

Unfortunately for DeSantis, the Florida supreme court said his desire to abort his campaign falls outside the 15-week gestational period in which an abortion may be performed according to Florida’s Heartbeat Protection Act, which DeSantis himself signed into law on April 13, 2023.

This means that pending a reversal by a higher court, DeSantis must carry his election campaign bid to term on election day.

Critics of the ruling say there was no way DeSantis, or anyone on his team, could have known whether or not his campaign was viable and that it hadn’t shown any signs of life this early on the campaign trail. However, the court cited DeSantis’ second-place finish in the Iowa caucus last week as irrefutable evidence that the campaign was not only alive, but showed great promise that it could be carried to term without any danger to DeSantis or the campaign.

The DeSantis team has already vowed to fight the court’s decision.

“What bothers me is the double standard,” said Sheila Brown, a six-month pregnant 16-year-old girl from Kissimmee. “According to the Florida court system, I’m too immature to have an abortion, but somehow that makes me mature enough to take care of a child while in high school … meanwhile, the fuckface governor who signed this bill into law is probably going to be able to get away with aborting his little campaign fetus without so much of a slap on his wrist.”

An inside source who’s close to the campaign told Alpine 6 Action News that DeSantis made the difficult decision to abort his campaign after realizing how expensive they are and because he didn’t feel that he could take care of it financially.

“It would be fiscally irresponsible to burden Mr. DeSantis with this kind of responsibility,” said Tom Carter, a lawyer on the governor’s election team. “Did he want to be president? Of course he did. But no one could’ve truly understood how much it costs to raise a campaign. There are staffers, advertisements, travel expenses, etcetera. It’s expensive. How is he supposed to pay for that all on his own? On a governor’s salary, nevertheless. Maybe if the donors and super PACs would step up and be a good father to this campaign we wouldn’t be in this situation. But those woke assholes have put their support behind Nikki Haley—or as I like to call her, The GOP Mommy. Feminism is ruining our country.”

As DeSantis’ team gets ready to fight the court’s decision, they’re also looking at adoption as a potential worst-case scenario.

“We’d really just like to kill this thing move on to the grieving process,” said Carter. “I think it would be very emotionally difficult for the DeSantis family to see this campaign be raised by a stranger. If adoption is the route we’re forced to take, we’ve already started vetting potential candidates. It would have to be a strong, white male, of course. If the campaign transitioned to a woman or identified with someone of color, I don’t know if the DeSantis family would recover from that.”

If the DeSantis team was looking for an easy option for adoption, they’re quickly coming to the realization that the adoption process is not as simple as sending an aid to pick out napkins for a fundraiser dinner. Most viable republican male candidates have already aborted their own campaigns for president and don’t want to take on the campaign of another man. The only person who has shown any interest in adopting the campaign is New Hampshire’s Vermin Supreme, who has been living in a van down the road from Saint Anslem College in hopes he’d get another opportunity to pitch his promise of “ponies for everyone” at the primary.

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