Woman fired from her job surprised she lasted as long as she did

RICHFIELD, Utah – A local woman who was recently fired from her job walked away from her former place of employment with genuine shock that she lasted as long at the company as she did.

Michelle Greene, 28, was a senior account manager for Goldfinch & Fuller, a prestigious Fortune 500 financial planning firm that specializes in exploiting the tax code to multiple client wealth exponentially.

On paper, Greene was the ideal candidate for the job: she graduated top of her class at Yale University with a master’s in finance, she had three years of account management experience at Goldman Sachs, and she boasted a personal portfolio of vested stocks from some the most valuable publicly traded companies such as Microsoft (MSFT), Apple (AAPL), and Saudi Aramco.

The only problem? None of it was real.

“I was just really, really tired of applying to jobs and never hearing back from companies,” said Greene. “So, I said, ‘fuck it’ and made up this really elaborate resume and applied to as many jobs as I could on Ladders as a joke. I never expected to get a callback, let alone an interview or a job offer.”

Within 24 hours she had eight requests for an interview and received a job offer at the end of her interview with Goldfinch & Fuller. Later, she would learn the company was in dire need of a new senior account manager after their previous employee was abruptly arrested, charged, and sentenced to fifteen years in prison for tax evasion. That was a red flag for Greene, but with bills piling up and going delinquent, she hoped she might be able to cash a few paychecks before the company caught on to her farse.

She never expected to last for three years.

“I thought I would make it a month, maybe two,” said Greene. “I figured there would be a decent buffer where I was getting my feet wet and learning the way of this new company. The position offered a $150,000 salary. A few months of that and I would’ve been able to get out of the red, pay off my debts, and go find a job where I could be happy.”

However, after a few bouts of luck convincing her wealthy clients to take extreme risks some on up-and-coming stocks that other investors were sleeping on which paid off, she was viewed by her superiors as some kind of stock market savant and quickly earned several massive bonuses.

“I would go into the market every day and look for stocks in businesses that sounded neat,” said Greene. “There was nanotechnology, a bio-recycling business, whatever that is, and something called renewable lactation. I have no idea what any of these businesses do, but they’re stocks were cheap and if I know anything about the stock market, it’s buy low and sell high. And I guess those gambles paid off.”

Greene also said the nanotechnology and bio-recycling businesses were an easy enough sell because she could google enough buzz words about the industry to make it sound like she knew what she was talking about. But the real cash cow came from Boobie Newbie (BOOB), the renewable lactation business. Most investors were sleeping on this stock because no one really knew what it was or what they did. But after Greene’s convincing pitch and the massive influx of stock sales, the price skyrocketed from $0.02 a share to $215 a share on its first day.

Most of Greene’s colleagues flocked to her like she was the female Warren Buffet, asking her for advice on futures and index funds. Some, however, like Karen Bumgarner were less impressed by her oracle-like vision and convinced she must be a fraud.

“I didn’t like her,” said Bumgarner. “In her first year at the firm she made more money than I did the last five. She was just given a senior management position because she’s cute, the boss is a horndog womanizer, and she made a couple lucky guesses. I mean, what the fuck is renewable lactation?”

Following Greene’s historic rise, Bumgarner set out to do her own investigation of her workplace nemesis. After two years, she finally presented her findings to the board of directors.

“It wasn’t that hard to figure out she was a phony bologna,” said Bumgarner. “I called Yale and they’d never heard of her. Then I found out she didn’t even graduate from community college because she was too busy having sex and doing drugs, probably. I wasn’t going to allow this harlot outshine me anymore.”

The board of directors was disappointed to learn about Greene’s fabricated resume, but ultimately decided they wouldn’t part with her because of her exceptional value to the company and their personal wallets. Not to be deterred, Bumgarner took the nuclear option and went to HR.

“She presented us with a transcript of dialog she’d overheard Ms. Greene have with a male coworker at an adjacent cubicle as well as a sexual harassment complaint,” said Mary Wallace, human resources manager at Goldfinch & Fuller. “It was very explicit. I probably shouldn’t be saying this, but I keep a copy of it in my nightstand at home and pull it out whenever my hubby is away. God, I’m wet just thinking about it.”

“It’s disgusting,” said Bumgarner. “Did it give me an awkward feeling between my legs? Yes, but that’s not the point. This is a place of legitimate business, not a place of pleasure. If they weren’t going to get rid of her because she’s a fraud, they’d have to get rid of her for being a nasty, nasty sinner.”

When Greene was called in to HR and presented with the evidence of her lewd discourse with a fellow employee, she was given the opportunity to attend sexual harassment training or be fired. Knowing her three years at the company were a sham anyway, she opted to depart the company.

“Look, I’m surprised I lasted as long as I did,” said Greene. “But I was able to pay off my debts, buy a house, and save up enough money to live comfortably for the next twelve-to-eighteen months. I’ll go ahead and get out while I’m ahead. I’m just glad Karen didn’t know what Mike and I did on her desk after hours. I bet I would’ve been fired a long time ago.”

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