Town drunk sad to learn beer gardens are not where beer grows

ASHEVILLE, N.C. – The local town drunk was sad to learn that beer gardens are not where beer grows after being picked up by local law enforcement for attempting to plant his half-drank beer bottle in the Azalea Dog Park.

Thomas Hillenbrand, 49, was arrested for intoxication and causing a commotion in a public place after patrons of the park complained about a man behaving erratically and posing a threat to their canines.

“I didn’t want to hurt anyone or any of the cute puppies at the park,” said Hillenbrand, to his mother after being released on $25,000 bail. “I was just really drunk and really, really thirsty. But beer is expensive, especially when you drink as much as I do, so I thought, why not just grow some of my own?”

When his mother explained that you can’t simply bury a half-empty bottle of beer in the ground and expect new beer to grow from the ground, Hillenbrand erupted, insisted she didn’t know what she was talking about. He then went on a twenty-minute tirade “educating” his mother on the science behind beer gardens and how they’re an essential part of the ecosystem and the preservation of beer from over-cultivation by those “dirty hippie IPA snobs.”

After realizing just how incredibly moronic her son was, Theresa Hillenbrand organized a tour of a local brewery for her and Thomas. However, even after the forty-five-minute presentation about the beer brewing process and subject matter expert testimonial that alcohol—regardless of whether it comes in a can or bottle—does not, and cannot, be grown on a tree, Thomas was still not convinced.

“That weird dude with a beard said a bunch of crap about malting, mashing, and lautering, whatever that means,” said Hillenbrand. “I’ll admit he sounded convincing, but this anti-beer garden conspiracy is really snowballing out of control. Something needs to be done about it.”

So, Hillenbrand did what all great misinformed people set on changing peoples’ minds do: he made a YouTube channel dedicated to exposing the truth. His first video was an eighty-minute exposé where he rambled about all the pseudoscience related to the beer industry and all the “facts” the “man” doesn’t want you to know.

The video went viral, being viewed more than 150 million times, and reshared across social media more than 150,000 times, mostly by people who couldn’t take the content seriously but couldn’t tell whether or not Hillenbrand was being serious or trying to troll people.

Spoiler alert: he was being serious.

At first, Hillenbrand was elated by his video’s success—until he started reading the comments. At the time of writing this article, the video had more that 35,000 comments, many of which were poking fun at Hillenbrand and his theories. Others attempted to be kind toward the mistaken drunkard and linked other videos to beer brewing accounts that shared the same information he received from the local brewery.

Hillenbrand was at war. He grabbed a bottle of his favorite brew—which he assumed was locally harvested—and dug in for a long battle with the army of keyboard warriors waiting for him on the other side of his ethernet cable. For three long days, Hillenbrand went shot-for-shot with people online, typing expletives and “yo momma” jokes in all caps to make it appear as if he were yelling.

Toward the end of the third day, the troll army launched a secret weapon that Hillenbrand never saw coming. At 6:45 p.m., there was a knock on his front door. After staggering his way toward the front of his house, he opened the door and saw his father standing on the other side of the gateway.

His father, Thomas Hillenbrand Sr., abandoned his son when he was 16 years old after his marriage to Theresa crumbled, a catalyst moment that propelled Hillenbrand Jr. into his dark, downward spiral of depression and alcoholism. Apparently, the younger Thomas’ online behavior had reached such a critical mass that people were assuming the account belonged to Hillenbrand Sr. and it was negatively affecting his relationships with clients at work.

“Do you understand what you’ve done,” asked Senior to his son. “I have multi-million-dollar clients and multi-billion dollar deals in jeopardy because of your stupid antics online. People think you’re me and it’s hurting my reputation.”

Thomas Jr. looked at his father and said, “I ain’t nothing like you, old man. And you can’t tell me what to do anymore. I’m not a kid and you’re not my dad anymore. Chad is my new dad, and he won’t ever leave mom like you did because he’s fat and lazy and can’t probably get another girl.” He then mimicked dropping a microphone before collapsing on the floor in a drunken heap.

Chad Heathmere, Thomas’ step-father, was the one who found him passed out on the floor with his front door open later that evening when he stopped by to check in on him per the court order of his bail. After helping Thomas to the couch and fetching him a glass of water, he listed dutifully to his step-son’s story about why he was passed out on the floor.

“I know Thomas’ father leaving was a traumatic time in his life,” said Heathmere. “It really breaks my heart that he would see him again after all these years. I think it’s just easier for him to believe his father was an asshole who left him and his mother to go start a new life with some Brazilian supermodel rather than accept the fact he died of cancer when Thomas was a teen. There’s definitely still some trauma there he’s dealing with.”

After sobering him up, Chad and Theresa escorted Thomas to a local rehab facility where he’s working with counselors to address his drinking problems as well as his unresolved emotions surrounding his biological father’s death.

Editor’s Note: alcoholism and mental health are serious problems. If you, or someone you know, is struggling, please find help immediately.

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