Taco Bell adds new “toilet friendly” value menu

IRVINE, Cal. – Taco Bell, the mexican-style fast food giant, has announced it will be rolling out a new “toilet friendly” value menu at select restaurant locations this summer.

The addition comes after last quarter’s sales figures dropped following complaints that current menu items absolutely decimated a majority of clients’ bowels following consumption of the food.

“We’re in a rather unique situation in that nearly 100-percent of Taco Bell’s diners rate the food between ‘very good’ and ‘excellent’ on customer surveys,” said Todd Leominster, Taco Bell’s director of customer relations. “However, our overall customer satisfaction is at an all-time low with the vast majority of complaints being focused on the amount of time a customer is required to spend on the toilet post-meal, bloody, loose stools, and uncontrollable anal leakage.”

Leominster also said he’s optimistic that the new menu items will help improve customer satisfaction by dramatically reducing the amount of bowel incidents.

“Someone on our marketing team said she needed to eat a metric shit-tonne of bananas after indulging in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box in order to stop shitting her pants,” said Leominster. “That led to a $63 million research campaign into foods that help reduce or prevent diarrhea.”

All that money led Taco Bell researchers toward discovering the BRAT (bananas, rice applesauce, and toast) diet – something they could’ve learned about with a quick Google search. This diet focuses on low-fiber foods that help bind loose stools and prevents diarrhea.

“Basically, we replaced the Taco and burrito shells with toast, sour cream with applesauce, and tomatoes with banana chunks,” said Leominster. “Some people in our test group were skeptical at first, but after they tried the new “shit less Beefy 5-Layer Burrito”, I’m pretty sure we’re about to revolutionize the pseudo-Mexican cuisine forever.”

“It’s garbage, absolute garbage,” said Sean Warren, one of the unlucky souls who had the opportunity to taste test the new menu. “They sculpted the Taco meat into a sloppy pattie, then tossed that shit on some Texas toast with fruit, rice, and applesauce … now my body wants to excrete this foul sandwich out my ass but my gut is so bound up I feel like I’m going to explode.”

As of this morning, 28 of the 30 participants in the taste test were admitted to the hospital for abdominal pain and needed to have their stomachs pumped. One participant is missing, and Warren is currently binging all fifteen seasons of Criminal Minds while on the toilet, pleading to God for some sort of release.

Hospitalizations aside, Taco Bell says it’s ready to have a limited release of the new menu to obtain a larger testing group, ignoring the FDA’s refusal of authorization for further human testing.

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