Alabama court rules ejaculate-filled tissues are children

BIRMINGHAM, Ala. – The Alabama Supreme Court has ruled that ejaculate-filled tissues and toilet paper can be considered unborn children under state law, a ruling that has many people concerned about the implications toward young people doing their best to not conceive a child.

The ruling comes hours after the court made worldwide headlines for its ruling that frozen embryos could also be considered children under those same laws. This decision came during a wrongful death case brought to court by three couples who lost frozen embryos during an accident at an Alabama fertility clinic.

The later ruling was issued after the court decided it needed to be more precise about how the law defines a living human.

“Unborn children are ‘children’ … without exception based on developmental stage, physical location, or any other ancillary characteristics,” wrote Justice Jay Mitchell in the majority ruling.

Someone close to the case said the court expanded this definition to include ejaculated semen, because once the spermatozoa departs the male sex organs, its sole biological purpose is to fertilize a woman’s egg and this falls under the court’s definition of an early developmental stage of life.

“I think this decision by the court is a real blessing,” said John Smith, a priest from St. Paul’s Cathedral. “The sixth commandment clearly defines masturbation as a grave moral sin. This will allow us, I mean the police, to properly detain sinners so they can repent for their sins and be redeemed in the eyes of the lord.”

While some have praised this decision for expanding the state’s already strict abortion to penalize men for their role in the murder of innocent unborn children, critics who’ve read the decision were quick to notice how this ruling does nothing but continue to smother women’s rights.

Because DNA can be difficult to obtain from a semen sample after five days, and is a fairly expensive test, the likelihood of a man getting charged with death of their potential child. The court ruled the closest woman to the discarded biological fluid will be arrested and charged with first degree murder as she did not perform her duties as a woman and protect the ejaculate in the safety of her womb.

“This is just another example of the extreme Christian right attempting to control women and their bodies,” said Deborah McIntosh, a local women’s right activist. “They see us as nothing more than just baby making machines, but after they force us to bear a child we didn’t want, do they help the mother or child? No. They leave them to the mercy of this world then chastise us for being unable to financially take care of the baby. It’s a disgusting show of power.”

Lawyers from around the country and eagerly watching how this situation unfolds, especially ahead of the 2024 election. Today’s decision about aborted ejaculate has also led some to wonder about the legality of a woman’s monthly discharge of an egg, and whether or not that would also qualify as murder under this law.

“The court understand this is a tumultuous time in our state, particularly around the morality of aborted and failed pregnancies,” said Teddy Bledsoe, a legal assistant working with the state court system. “The judges need to take a look at all the evidence before they make a decision, but for right now, I would suggest that if you’re someone who is prone to having periods, to hold off having them for as long as possible.”

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