CAMBRIDGE, Mass. – A former MIT physics professor successfully tested a device that bridges our world with parallel universes, allowing him to travel across the multiverse, only to discover that his dysfunctional life here is as good as it gets.

Walter Bishop, Ph.D. was fired from the prestigious Massachusetts technology school in the late 1980s after it was discovered he was using school resources to indulge his curiosity in fringe sciences, including the search for parallel universes. His obsession began after he lost his son Peter to a rare disease, for which he couldn’t discover a cure.

“I knew that if the multiverse was real, then there had to be a version of me out there who would’ve been successful in fabricating a tincture capable of healing his illness,” said Bishop. “Sadly, even after discovering how to establish a stable gateway between our worlds, I was unable to find another Walter Bishop whose life was not in any better shape than my own. In fact, in direct comparison, my life on this Earth would appear to be the very best option.”

According to the multiverse theory, there should be an infinite number of universes where every conceivable outcome to every event in history has happened. However, much to Bishop’s surprise, there are only thirteen parallel universes, and it appears they only branch at very significant moments in history, such as the development of civilization in Mesopotamia, the splitting of the atom and rise of atomic energy, or the invention of the Segway scooter in 2001.

“I guess I never really understood how good my life is,” said Bishop. “Sure, I helplessly watched my son die from a horrible, painful disease, which led to the disintegration of my marriage and a seventeen-year stint in the psychiatric ward after being fired from my prestigious, well-paying job. But what I saw in those other universes was hardly recognizable. The other Walters were homeless, drug addicts, amputees for reasons I’m unaware of, and one not only owned a Segway, but he also rode it and showed it off with pride. I shudder at the thought of it.”

We asked Bishop if there was anything he found in the parallel worlds that wasn’t as depressing as a civilization of grown men and women riding around on scooters and he was happy to report several of the alternate realities were utopian paradises, it was just his life that was perpetually in the gutter. We followed up by asking if he could shed some light on what made those other worlds so prosperous while we maintain a status quo of war, systemic racism, and political division.

“Absolutely not,” said Bishop. “It would be easy to tell you how these other worlds maintain prosperity for all its people, but how would that benefit me? I’m already living my best life in comparison. If we start having universal healthcare, fair wages, and equity amongst all eight billion people on this planet, the evidence suggests my life is going to get a whole lot worse. I ain’t going to let that happen.”

EDITOR’S NOTE: Shortly after this part of the interview, we were interrupted by men and women in black suits claiming to be from a joint task force led by the FBI called Fringe Division. Doctor Bishop was apprehended, and his basement laboratory was stripped of everything. We will continue to monitor the situation and provide an update as soon as possible.

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