WASHINGTON – In a unanimous decision, the United States Supreme Court ruled Monday that Colorado cannot remove former president Donald Trump from their presidential election ballot via the 14th Amendment of the U.S. Constitution, but also made it very obvious that people probably shouldn’t vote for him anyway.

A Colorado state court had initially ruled Trump was ineligible for the 2024 presidential election because of his role in the Jan. 6, 2021, attack on the Capitol that was perceived as a threat to American government and democracy. The root of the higher court’s decision comes from the fact the 14th Amendment was first ratified in 1868 and doesn’t clearly identify what rights the states have versus the federal government in these matters.

“We conclude that States may disqualify persons holding or attempting to hold state office,” the Supreme Court’s unsigned opinion says. “But States have no power under the Constitution to enforce Section 3 with respect to federal offices, especially the Presidency.”

The opinion continued with, “that being said, we find it difficult to understand why anyone would want to vote for this guy after all the shady shit he’s done.”

Donald Trump has infamously become the first, and only, president to have been indicted in a criminal case the country’s 234-year history. And, in perfect Trump fashion, one indictment wasn’t enough. At the time of writing this article, the former The Apprentice host has been charged in four different criminal cases with a staggering 91 total charges against him.

Broken down, these charges include:

  • 34 felony counts in New York concerning falsified business records and concealing hush-money payments to a porn star.
  • 40 felony counts in Florida concerning the hording of classified documents and obstructing federal agents attempts to collect them.
  • 4 counts in Washington D.C. concerning his alleged efforts to overturn the presidential election in 2020.
  • 13 felony counts in Georgia for his alleged efforts to overturn the presidential election in 2020.

While some of Trump’s most diehard cultists believe the former president has done nothing wrong and these charges are nothing more than a widely publicized witch hunt by the political left to silence their greatest opponent, the fact eleven of Trump’s former political associates have been charged and pled guilty to various crimes does not bode well for the Home Alone 2 star’s return to 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue.

But the opinion didn’t just stop at the justices’ contempt for Trump supporters’ inability to choose a non-criminal as their top-choice for commander in chief; it also criticized the democratic party for failing to even consider bringing a nominee to the table who doesn’t look at risk of landing in end-of-life hospice care with one more accidental trip up the Air Force One stairs.

“Our nation’s obsession with turning Capitol Hill into an overpriced nursing home has done nothing but widen the gap between the two sides of the aisle,” the opinion concluded. “It is this court’s opinion that the United States would be best served by a new face in Washington—a wholesome family man who can close the schism in our current political environment.”

On a completely unrelated note, it’s come to our attention that Jason Kelce—legendary Philadelphia Eagles center and co-host of the New Heights podcast with his brother, and Taylor Swift’s boyfriend, Travis—will have a bit of extra free time on his hands and could be available should the country use its write-in ballot ability for good.

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