A comprehensive list wild animals guys think they can beat in a fight (but can’t)

It’s a well-known fact that women have a longer average life expectancy than men. In fact, according to the CDC, the average American woman has a life expectancy of about 81 years, while a man can expect to kick the bucket around 76 years old. But why is this?

One reason experts believe women typically live longer than men is the difference in unhealthy life choices. According to Dr. Perminder Sachdev, a professor of neuropsychiatry at the University of New South Wales in Australia, “Men are more likely to smoke, drink excessively and be overweight. They are also less likely to seek medical help early, and, if diagnosed with a disease, they are more likely to be non-adherent to treatment.”

Another example of poor decision making, is the typical male’s over-competence about their ability to battle wild animals in a 1v1 fight to the death. According to a study done at Duke University, the likely cause is the male’s heightened testosterone, which was shown to be associated with higher potential for risky and unsafe behavior.

A recent YouGov survey asked participants which animals they think they’d be able to beat in a one-on-one unarmed competition for dominance. These animals ranged from little critters like rats (why only 72% of Americans think they could defeat a rat is mindboggling) to massive predators like lions, tigers, and bears, oh my!

But despite what that survey said, we’re convinced anyone could defeat a small creature like a rat if it were a life and death situation. But we were curious about what animals guys think they could legitimately take on singlehandedly, but most definitely cannot.

Here is our list, based on our own survey of any guy we could find wandering around the building and the street outside:

Bear

According to our survey, a whopping 97% of men believe they are capable of taking a bear in a fight. It doesn’t matter the bear’s race—Grizzy, black, polar—guys think they have an advantage over Pooh Bear because they watched Brick Tamland calm and ride a bear at the San Diego Zoo, but the fact of the matter is, a bear is a wild creature that will literally eat your face off.

Bison

The Oregon Trail video game is the number one reason 80% of guys, particularly Gen X and Millennials, believe they could take one of these badass buffalo in a fight. But these are not your typical Build-a-Bear stuffed animals. A small bison can be upwards of 11 feet long and weight anywhere between 700 and 2,600 pounds. In other words, you ain’t winning this one fellas.

Moose

It’s shocking how many guys think they could defeat a moose in combat—almost 75% of you. We think modern media is to blame as shows like The Adventures of Rocky and Bullwinkle don’t properly represent the sheer massive size of these animals. As a matter of fact, in Siberia, gun-toting hunters often fear moose more than bears thanks to their thick skin and dense skull which make a charging moose almost impossible to take down with small arms weapons.

Kangaroo

Kangaroos are known for their distinct “boxing” style of fighting. Despite this, 84% of you believe you could beat a kangaroo in a fight. The fact these animals participate in these battles to exert dominance over each other to prove themselves worthy of the hottest pieces of kangaroo ass in the herd, we doubt you chucklefucks will even be able to land a punch before your KO’d.

Gorilla

We actually noticed a significant uptick in people believing they could fight a gorilla ever since Harambe was killed at the Cincinnati Zoo. 88% compared to 74%, prior. Although there was an overwhelming level of support for the slain Western Lowland gorilla in the wake of his murder, the constant media coverage and memes fueled guys overconfidence in their ability to stand their ground with this predator.

Lion

Who the f*** thinks they can fight a lion? Apparently 65% of you think the King of the Jungle is a pushover against the soft meaty flesh of your carefully moisturized, desk job hands. Well guess what? Simba isn’t a little kid anymore and he isn’t afraid of uncle Scar or you!

King Cobra

It can’t be that hard to take on a snake, right? Apparently 89% of guys would say yes. But I don’t think the guys who answered the survey like this realized these venomous nope-ropes can reach a length of 13 feet. Or that if you fall victim to its bite, a lethal reaction can occur in as quick as 30 minutes. In other words, even if you defeat the snake, you’ll be dead before you have the opportunity to gloat about it.

Whale

Look, unless ya’ll have grown gills, we’re calling out the 65% of you who thought you could beat a whale 1v1. Just, no.

Goose

The last animal on our list is the smallest in size but definitely the biggest underdog of them all. 97% of men said they believe they can fight a goose and survive. However, we know that statistically this is impossible. These Canadian fowl may look harmless, but anyone who has ever come too close understands the cruel implications of what happens when they begin to hiss at you. And don’t think you’re going to be fighting this monster one-on-one. As soon as the wings start flapping, a squadron of angry, feathered sky demons will swarm you like locusts.

You have been warned.

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