With promises to “spill oil in the name of democracy”, military recruiting crisis ends

ARLINGTON, Va. – The Department of Defense was pleased to announce at a recent press conference that its recruiting crisis is over thanks to a new initiative that promises recruits can “spill oil in the name of democracy”, just like their favorite intergalactic superheroes: the Helldivers.

“Recently, almost every recruit who came through our doors kept asking if joining the military was anything like joining the Helldivers,” said Sgt. 1st Class Jeremy Silvers, an active duty recruiting non-commissioned officer. “At first, we had no idea what they were talking about, but when we told them ‘yes’ there was almost a 100-percent chance they would enlist that day. So, we doubled down on it. Before we knew it, we hit our quarterly projections in three days.”

Silvers also said it was his counterparts over at the National Guard recruiting office who told them the recruits were referencing a video game titled Helldivers 2, a satirical science fiction action shooter game that pits patriotically brainwashed soldiers from a totalitarian Earth government against aliens and robots who’re just trying to escape from under the oppressive thumb of the evil human regime.

“We didn’t understand the context of what these young men and women were talking about,” said Silvers. “Looking back on it now, my conscience tells me we should probably stop using this video game to promote the military. But I’ve already received an Army commendation medal for enlisting more Soldiers in the military this month than our entire recruiting station brought in last year and I’ve been nominated for recruiter of the year which should open a lot of valuable doors for me. So, yeah, I’m doing my best to suppress any feeling I might get that tells me to do the right thing.”

Upon hearing the success of Silver and his team, the military branches have come together to collaborate on a joint recruiting effort to capitalize on the Helldivers phenomenon. This joint recruiting command, aptly named Joint Recruiting Command, has enlisted an army of service members who enjoy playing video games to stream Helldivers 2 on Twitch, Kick, and YouTube while also talking to viewers about the benefits of military service.

“This game really couldn’t have come out at a better time,” said U.S. Air Force Col. Mike Garfield, commander of the JRC. “It really embodies the values of the United States military, like collaborative teamwork toward achieving mutual goals, international cooperation, and fighting a two-pronged war to decimate global threats and secure valuable resources with infallible patriotism.”

To further drive home the idea that every service member is a recruiter, the DoD has begun issuing standardized patches emblazoned with the logo of the Helldivers to every Soldier, Airman, and Guardian to wear on their uniform, replacing the unit patches traditionally worn on the left sleeve of the Operational Camouflage Pattern (OCP) uniforms. It’s uncertain how the Marines and Navy plan on incorporating the logo, but sources close to the subject said they’re considering adopting the OCP uniform in solidarity with the other branches or replacing the Marine’s Eagle, Globe, and Anchor.

A leaked memo from the Pentagon has also implied that all doctrine will be updated to change any reference of the United States to Super Earth, the name our home planet is given in the Helldivers universe. It also suggesting the United States (sorry, Super Earth), will need to look at ways of ramping up its military offensive opportunities to give these new recruits the opportunity to “spill oil in the name of democracy” or else they fear they will find themselves in another recruiting/retention problem in 6-8 years as these contracts expire.

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