Biden, Trump agree to Pay-Per-View Jello wrestling match for presidency

WASHINGTON D.C. – In a stunning turn of events that has left the nation bewildered, former President Donald Trump and President Joe Biden have agreed to settle the question of who will lead the United States by engaging in a Jello™ wrestling match.

The announcement came as a shock to political analysts and citizens alike, as traditional methods of campaigning and electioneering were tossed aside in favor of this unorthodox showdown.

According to a report released by the Washington-based Office of Politically Inexplicable Science & Simulation, who were enraged about the White House’s announcement, there has never been a Jello™ wrestling match between two political figures to determine the presidency of the United States. Howard Taft, the 27th president of the United States had suggested the unorthodox activity to determine the outcome of the 1908 presidential election against William Jennings Bryan, but the Democratic politician from Illinois declined.

It’s important to note that the president of the United States is, historically, determined through the democratic process of elections, not through unconventional means like wrestling matches, regardless of the medium in which the match is held.

“Such an event would be highly unusual, inappropriate, and not in line with the principles of democratic governance,” said Tad Crater, a PISS intern political analyst. “It’s crucial to rely on legitimate and official electoral processes to determine political leadership.”

The decision reportedly stemmed from a projected deadlock in the electoral college, with neither candidate willing to concede defeat. Faced with a polarized nation and mounting tensions, Trump and Biden, known for their combative, often comprehensible, and frequently riddled with grammatical errors rhetoric, opted for a physical confrontation to determine the next commander-in-chief.

The venue for this historic event remains undisclosed, with organizers citing security concerns and the need to maintain the integrity of the competition. However, sources close to both campaigns have hinted at a secluded location away from the prying eyes of the media.

“We feel that such an event should be held in private,” said Jan Chokondic, a Senior Media Liaison for the White House’s Office of Physical Means of Conflict Resolution. “However, we would be open to seeing the public interest in viewing such a spectacle and may make the match available to a lucky few.”

Chokondic added, their office may use a lottery type system to decide which private citizens can attend.

The rules of the Jello™ wrestling match are yet to be finalized, but it is expected to be a best-of-three contest, with each round lasting a predetermined duration. Spectators from several federal agencies and political parties who have been pre-invited to the event eagerly await the spectacle, with many expressing both amusement and disbelief at the unprecedented turn of events.

Political commentators have been quick to offer their opinions on the matter, with some decrying the degradation of the electoral process, while others view it as a refreshing departure from the norms of conventional politics.

In a report from Fox News, Randy Hunt, a junior late night news desk anchor, says he would literally punch another baby to be on site during the wrestling match.

“I would literally punch another baby to be on site during the wrestling match,” said Hunt. “This will be like the Muhammad Ali versus Sonny Liston match, only in a delicious sugary treat intended for children.”

Hunt was unable to provide further comment, as he was recently arrested due to an alleged accusation of physically assaulting a minor.

The decision to settle the presidency through a Jello™ wrestling match has sparked heated debate across the nation, with supporters of both candidates passionately defending their chosen champion. Social media platforms have been inundated with memes and hashtags related to the impending showdown, further fueling the fervor surrounding the event.

As the nation braces itself for what promises to be an unforgettable spectacle, one thing remains certain: the outcome of this Jello™ wrestling match will have far-reaching implications for the future of American politics. Whether it will bring closure to a bitterly contested election or further deepen the divide remains to be seen.

Stay tuned for updates as this unprecedented saga unfolds, and America prepares to witness history in the making.

EDITOR’S NOTE: Since writing this article, the White House has announced the Biden-Trump-2 match will be hosted on the White House’s North Lawn and will be available to watch via Pay-Per-View.

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