Alpine 6 Action News endorses a teen’s crusty tube sock for president

The Alpine 6 Action News Editorial Board has announced that the publication will officially endorse our unpaid intern’s pre-pubescent teenager’s crusty tube sock for president in the [INSERT ELECTION YEAR] election.

Although [INSERT REPUBLICAN NOMINEE] and [INSERT DEMOCRAT NOMINEE] have been selected to represent their respective parties in this year’s presidential election, and both potentially carry merits worthy of holding the highest political office in the nation, this news outlet cannot, in good faith, endorse either candidate.

The decision to endorse a dried, ejaculate-filled foot garment derives from this organization’s belief that the media is a foundational component to a free democracy and cannot remain a beacon of truth if it becomes tainted by bias. A political endorsement, regardless of affiliation, allows for the illusion of bias and diminishes the organization’s credibility.

At Alpine 6 Action News, we’re dedicated to bringing you fair and balanced (fake) news. This is our promise to you, no matter where you fall on the political spectrum. So, this November, we encourage you to vote with your heart and your brain for the candidate that best represents you.

However, should you feel like none of the candidates on the ballot will lead our nation in a positive direction, we encourage you to use your write-in ballot abilities to vote for Rebecca, the tube sock (yes, we were pretty grossed out when we learned he named the sock he uses to abuse his noodle, and even more so, after some regretful investigation, that it was named after a real girl he has a crush in at school).

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