CDC updates zombie survival protocol in preparation of April 8th eclipse

ATLANTA, Ga. – The Center for Disease Control has distributed an updated edition of its zombie survival protocol in preparation for the eclipse occurring on April 8, 2024.

Although the agency didn’t publicly acknowledge the update, keen-eyed doomsday preppers were quick to question the timing of its release.

“Look, I ain’t no conspiracy theorist whack-a-doo, but don’t you think it’s just a little suspicious our big brother overlords decide to update their guidance for survivin’ the zombie apocalypse a week before one of the biggest celestial events of the year and didn’t tell nobody,” asked Francis Valentino, the self-proclaimed ‘porcelain king of the ATL’.

Despite Valentino’s claim he isn’t a conspiracy theorist, he isn’t the only person who believes this rare astronomical event is more than just a moment when our moon passes between the Earth and the Sun.

“The path of totality of this so-called naturally occurring phenomenon just so happens to pass through eight U.S. cities named Nineveh,” said Kathryn Wallace, a registered beautician and leader of the Phoenix-based InfoWars fan club. “And according to Alex Jones, the only man on this Earth brave enough to speak the truth about the devil-worshiping sinners in our government, this eclipse is way too similar to the Bur-Sagale eclipse when Jonah, yeah the Jonah from the Bible, went to the ancient city of Ninevah and urged the Assyrian people to repent. Wake up sheeple!”

According to Wikipedia, the Bur-Sagale eclipse, also known as the Assyrian Eclipse, “occurred over the Assyrian capital city of Nineveh in the middle of the reign of Jeroboam II, who ruled Israel from 786 to 746 B.C. According to 2 Kings 14:25, the prophet Jonah lived and prophesied in Jeroboam’s reign. The biblical scholar Donald Wiseman has speculated that the eclipse took place around when Jonah arrived in Nineveh and urged the people to repent, otherwise the city would be destroyed. This would explain the dramatic repentance of the people of Nineveh as described in the Book of Jonah. Ancient cultures, including Assyria, viewed eclipses as omens of imminent destruction, and the empire was in chaos at this time, struggling with revolts, famines and two separate outbreaks of plague.

This eclipse is also mentioned by the prophet Amos. Amos was also preaching during the reign of Jeroboam II and refers to the eclipse in Amos 5:8 & 8:5,9. In these passages Amos uses the eclipse as a prophecy of doom, but also exhorts Judeans to repentance.“

Third-party fact checkers have punched holes in these radical theories, however, since the eclipse’s path of totality will really only pass through two cities named Nineveh. So, it’s probably unlikely that April 8th will bring about any sort of catastrophe of biblical proportion. However, scientists do warn that there are dangers associated with eclipses, such as damage to your eyes if you look at the sun without protection or increased risk of accidents while driving thanks to the sudden and fairly abrupt shift in light.

As to why the CDC has made changes to its Zombie preparedness doctrine, we’re not quite certain. We’ve reached out to the agency, but they were unavailable for comment.

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