[LOCATION REDACTED] – In a remote corner of the woods, nestled deep within the thickets, one doomsday prepper has taken his preparations to the extreme in anticipation of the most bizarre apocalypse scenario yet: the resurrection of a zombie werewolf Jesus.

Meet Bob [REDACTED LAST NAME] the intrepid prepper who has dedicated his life to readying for the weirdest of cataclysms. Armed with a shovel and a stack of silver bullets, Bob has meticulously crafted his underground bunker, complete with reinforced steel walls and enough canned beans to last a lifetime.

While some may consider the idea of a werewolf attack preposterous, the notion of a zombie attack laughable, and the likelihood of Jesus rising from the dead and back for bloody vengeance questionable, at best, Bob is taking exactly zero chances. 

Easter is a Christian holiday that celebrates the resurrection of Jesus Christ from the dead, as described in the New Testament of the Bible. It is considered the most important event in Christianity and is observed on the first Sunday following the first full moon after the vernal equinox, typically falling between late March and late April. Easter is often associated with various traditions, including the decorating of Easter eggs, the Easter bunny, and attending church services.

“What the heck is Bob getting at?” Said Reverend Tad Crater, the minister of The Blood of the Risen Lamb Church, where Bob attends. “Three years ago he was going on about how solar panels were going to absorb all of the suns rays and sending us into a new ice age.”

Crater also said he’s tried to tell Bob that Easter is a day to acknowledge and celebrate the resurrection of their Lord and Savior, and that Jesus Christ doesn’t literally come back from the dead as a brain thirsty zombie every year. 

“I’ve seen my fair share of end-of-the-world predictions, but this one really takes the cake,” Bob chuckles as he tightens the last bolt on his bunker door. “I mean, who could have seen a resurrected zombie werewolf Jesus coming? But hey, better safe than sorry!”

Bob’s bunker is equipped with all the essentials for surviving the unholy apocalypse. From UV lights to keep the werewolves at bay to crosses and holy water for the zombies, Bob has left no stone unturned in his quest for survival.

“It’s all about being prepared,” Bob insists, as he demonstrates his homemade zombie-werewolf repellent made from garlic and silver shavings. “You never know when the undead might rise, especially if they’re part werewolf and part messiah.”

As Bob puts the finishing touches on his bunker, he offers a word of advice to fellow preppers: “Don’t underestimate the supernatural. Sure, it might sound far-fetched, but stranger things have happened. And when the resurrected zombie werewolf Jesus comes knocking, you’ll be glad you listened to ol’ Bob!”

In spite of the fact Easter 2024 will not be celebrated under the light of the full moon, Bob says that is due to the fact the government is actually lying about the true date that Jesus first rose from the dead. 

“Doesn’t it make sense?” Asks Bob. “Think about it, every year you people celebrate Easter on a different date. The government is trying to ensure that when zombie werwolf Jesus comes ya’ll be caught with your pants around your ankles and your guns in the next room!”

With his bunker ready and his provisions stocked, Bob retreats into the depths of the woods, ready to face whatever apocalyptic horrors may come his way. And if the worst should happen, rest assured that Bob will be the last man standing, armed with nothing but his wits and a whole lot of canned beans.

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