Alpine 6 Action News to begin publishing real and honest news

WINDSOR, Conn. – The Alpine 6 Action News editorial team has made the decision to shift its newsroom focus from high-quality, knee-slapping comedic parody news articles to real and honest stories about the news that affects you, our readers.

The decision was made after it was discovered one of its articles was used by a conspiracy theorist in a winning argument in favor of their outlandish views on the world.

“We live in complicated times,” said Janus Palter, Alpine 6 Action News editor-in-chief. “There are so many voices in the parody news game, like The Onion, The Babylon Bee or Fox News. What America needs right now is a voice of reason and a beacon of journalistic integrity. We will be that voice.”

The change in content will take place immediately, while the company plans to physically relocate its office to Washington D.C. to be closer to the “hornets’ nest” of lies and deception in the next several months. The company has already sent its unpaid intern, Brad (as his own expense) to the nation’s capital to begin scouting locations for the new office building.

“They gave me a $10 metro card and a brown bag lunch made by Alexis'[Bedfellow] girlfriend, then kicked me out the door to a waiting Uber,” said Brad, the unpaid intern. “They didn’t even pay for the Uber or the plane ticket to take me to D.C. I don’t have a hotel room booked or any leads on properties I should be looking at. There’s a news story for you.”

In an internal memo, Alpine 6 leadership thanked the reporters for their hard work and dedication to the pursuit of entertaining fake news but said the current state of world affairs is so laughable that the headlines they were producing were far too believable.

“The Associated Press, you know, one of the most honest and prestigious news organizations in the world, wrote an article about how cicadas can piss stronger than humans and how STDs turn them into zombies, and yet we’re somehow supposed to write fake news that sounds faker than that?” said Bartholomew Alexander Von Fredericks III, Alpine 6 Action News chief military and foreign affairs correspondent. “I hate to say it, but I think this transition to the real world is the right one.”

Despite the move, the Alpine 6 newsroom is not expected to experience any lag in delivery of articles to readers. And, on an unrelated note, happy April Fools Day. We look forward to unveiling our new, legitimate, look in the weeks to come. Until then, please continue to enjoy our content and feel free to base your entire identity and social arguments based on our work.

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