Cost-conscious Christians raid grocery stores for post-Easter candy sales

CHARLESTON, S.C. – Groups of cost-conscious Christians have stormed their local grocery stores in hopes of getting their hands on high-discounted Easter candy a day after the holiday celebrating Jesus’ resurrection.

While it’s a common practice for stores to ditch their surplus of holiday supplies the day after the holiday, this particular sale saw a dramatic increase in participation than previous years thanks to the significant bump in candy cost the last few years.

“The bible tells us that the love of money is the root of all evil so we, as faithful Christians, really try hard to live within our means and donate all our excess wealth to our mega-church so our pastor can use it on righteous causes such as purchasing a new jet so he might travel the world to spread the love of Jesus,” said Diana Murphy, a lifelong member of the Church of Holy Exploit here in Charleston. “So, you can imagine our disgust when we learned how expensive Easter candy is this year; it made it really hard to celebrate this year.”

Murphy added that she believed this sharp rise in cost for Christian candy was the direct result of the woke left’s agenda to make everyone gay and President Joe Biden’s proposed federal budget for the inflation that’s forcing many devout Christian families to choose between buying holiday candy or donating toward Donald Trump’s re-election campaign.

And while some customers are flocking to these sales because they believe the government is out to steal their religion from them, others have been fiscally conscious about the holidays for years.

“The only thing better than celebrating the resurrection of our lord and savior, Jesus Christ on an arbitrary date we stole from those Pagan heathens is to get our hands on half-priced chocolates in the shapes of small fecund mammals and unfertilized ovum the day after,” said Michael German, owner of a website dedicated changing people’s lives by teaching them how to save upwards of $200 a year. “I went to my local Target on the day after Easter three years ago and bought all the candy they’d let me. I’ve been stuffing eggs for my kids and grandkids every year since without spending a dime. I’ve probably got enough Halloween candy to last me until 2029.”

According to Barbara Wright, general manager of a local grocery store, the majority of customers buying Easter candy the day after have been genuinely happy with the sale. However, there is a small subsect of customers who’re upset by the sudden surge in candy-consumption.

“I’ve been collecting Peeps every year since I was six years old,” said Barry McKnight, owner of the largest Peeps collection in the world. “I’ve fifty-three years old, and this is the first time I haven’t been able to find my beloved marshmallow treat the day after Easter. These poser candy lovers have broken my forty-seven-year streak. It sucks, but the store was absolute pandemonium. People were fist-fighting each other; one guy was dressed as a Knight Templar slashing a people with his sword; and one person was running around with a chloroform rag. I’m not much of a religious person, but I’m pretty sure this was the least-Christian behavior I’ve ever seen.”

Although inflation rates have generally cooled down the past few months, experts are still concerned it’s still above target levels and no one is quite sure what that means for the future of novelty candy sales.

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