4.8 magnitude earthquake the result of intern spilling coffee on secret underground DARPA experiment

WHITEHOUSE STATION, N.J. – A 4.8 magnitude earthquake was recorded this morning in New Jersey with tremors being reported as far away as Maine and Washington D.C., the biggest quake to hit the east coast in a century.

The Earth-shattering event sent many U.S. residents scrambling to Twitter to ensure their dozens of non-bot followers were made abundantly aware that they’d survived this harrowing experience before asking the most important question: how could this happen to me?

As it turns out, the quake was not the result of naturally occurring phenomenon. According to a leaked transcript of a phone call made to the White House Friday morning, the tremor was the result of a negligent intern at a top-secret underground DARPA facility who accidently spilled a cup of coffee on a highly sensitive scientific experiment.

“We have a problem down here,” said an unidentified voice in the transcript. “[REDACTED] spilled coffee of the [REDACTED]. There’s smoke everywhere, the Martian monkeys are loose, and a cryptic chant in an ancient tongue is emanating from the idol, brainwashing everyone who has come in contact with it into blood lusting zombies. Initiate ‘Order 404’. Repeat. Initiate ‘Order 404’.”

Experts close to the situation, who spoke to us with conditions of anonymity, said that although there have been minimal reports of damage as a result of the earthquake, if the situation in the DARPA facility are not contained within the next 24-48 hours, it’s highly likely the world will witness apocalyptic events unlike anything documented before.

“The events of the Bible’s Book of Revelation will look like a walk in the park if we can’t get this situation under control,” said one DARPA scientist. “We’re dealing with primordial artifacts here that pre-date the planet and, quite possibly, this dimension. Hell on Earth sounds like a cozy vacation compared to what we’re potentially going to be dealing with. This is why we don’t allow food and drink in the fucking lab, damn it!”

Despite the leaked communications, local, state, and federal government officials have insisted there’s nothing wrong and that everyone should go about their lives as normal.

“What we witnessed today was just an earthquake,” said Gina Dolores, a spokesperson for the New Jersey governor’s office. “Our department of emergency services is monitoring the situation, and the CIA has deployed a battalion of special agents to the epicenter of the quake only as a precaution. There’s nothing to see there, people. Just go back to your blissfully naive lives.”

This is an ongoing situation. Subscribe to Alpine 6 Action News and follow us on social media to stay up to date on the latest developments.

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