Fallout’s success results in world’s nuclear powers reconsidering restraint with WMDs

ROCKVILLE, Maryland – After the overwhelming success of Amazon’s screen adaptation of the Bethesda Game Studios’ hit videogame, Fallout, the world’s nuclear powers have come together to reconsider their mutual restraint on the use of weapons of mass destruction, or WMDs.

The United States, Russia, the United Kingdom, France, and China signed the Treaty on Non-Proliferation of Nuclear Weapons (NPT) in 1968 and ratified it in 1995 to extend it indefinitely. The treaty is an agreement between these nations to work toward the disarmament of nuclear arsenals and exchange of peaceful nuclear technology.

“I don’t think anyone really wants nuclear Armageddon,” said Samual Archibald, a senior nuclear advisor to the United Kingdom. “But did you see that show? Have you played those games? If nothing else, they show us there is great profit to be had in the end of the world. And, quite frankly, with all the tensions and turmoil happening around the world, we’re in no better position to make this dystopia a reality.”

The catalyst event of the television series (spoiler alert) is when leaders from some of America’s largest companies come together in a secret meeting to discuss how they can profit from the destruction of society. It’s an odd notion as all the monetary gains they received from their pre-war actions would’ve been nullified when the country shifted from the paper money standard to the bottle cap standard—just another example of how shortsighted greedy corporations are.

“It’s not just about money,” said Archibald. “We’ve been using our endless wealth to acquire as many packaged food and bottled water businesses that we can ever since we watched the first episode. This concept is more about power. By eliminating the subordinate social classes and monopolize the essentials for life, we become even more powerful and overall better than everyone else.”

According to the Federation of American Scientists, there are approximately 3,880 active nuclear warheads around the world and about 12,119 total warheads in reserve—more than enough explosive power to turn the world into a wasteland. And with Russia and Israel, two nations with nuclear weapons as their disposal, both at war with Ukraine and Palestine, respectively, the board is set for a new cataclysmic world war.

“Einstein said, ‘I know not what weapons World War III will be fought, but World War IV will be fought with sticks and stones’,” said Jacob Warren, a self-proclaimed Fallout superfan. “But I think we can play our cards right we’ll be kickin’ ass in World War IV with some T-60 power armor and Fat Man mini nuke launchers.”

For the record, Warren suffers from extreme asthma and has never fired a weapon at anything other than a paper target. The likelihood of him surviving a nuclear apocalypse and the subsequent lawlessness in the wasteland to live long enough to fight in a fourth world war is virtually non-existent.

Surprisingly, a large number of Americans, particularly among the Millennial and Gen Z generations are more than willing to face utter annihilation in a nuclear war.

“I took out $25,000 in student loans but now owe more than $75,000 in interest despite not missing a payment over the past thirteen years,” said Samantha Brewer, a mid-level marketing expert. “If the nukes start dropping, I’m running outside and will welcome sweet, sweet obliteration with arms wide open.”

Despite the apparent lucrative nature of the apocalypse, some world leaders are taking a stand against profiting from the downfall of humanity. A spokesman for the Whitehouse said the Biden administration does not approve of the use of nuclear weapons and thinks the world’s nuclear powers should continue their quests for global dominance though more traditional methods.

“I know we’re kind of kings of the hill right now and people are looking to bring us down a peg,” said Grant Newberry, a senior global analyst at the Pentagon. “But the fact of the matter is we have a fairly comfortable tension going on in the world right now that’s pretty profitable for those with their hands in the right pockets. I don’t think anyone really wants to screw that up. No one wants to lose their piece of the pie.”

While most the world’s superpowers agree with Newberry’s assessment, many believe the United States’ recent $95 billion spending package is just a subtle attempt to disrupt the current status quo.

“The U.S. thinks they can bully the rest of us without reciprocation” said Roman Kuznetsov, a Kremlin spokesman. “Sending more money and equipment to Ukraine was not part of the playbook we all agreed to at the last convention. They are cheating and think the rest of the world will back them up. But there will be consequences. Perhaps this ‘Fallout’ world everyone loves is not as bad as it sounds.”

While all of us here at Alpine 6 Action News hope world leaders are not so selfishly shortsighted to end the world as we know it, our only request we have in the event that they are is that they hold off until Amazon finishes the Fallout television series (and we hope it last for many, many season), because that show is incredible and I may be in love with Ella Purnell.

---

Want more Alpine 6 Action News? Sign up for the Alpine 6 Action News newsletter, join our Discord server, or subscribe to our Patreon and never miss another article!