“Bear Porn” searches up 950% thanks to viral TikTok video

Online searches for pornographic content featuring bears are up 950% over the last couple weeks according to an extensive study conducted by the Pornography Ethics and Neutrality Institute of Saskatchewan, or PENIS.

The sudden spike in this otherwise niche adult content appears to be connected to a recent viral TikTok video where the creator asks women on the street this hypothetical question: would you rather find yourself alone in the woods with a man or a bear?

The responses, which have been largely in favor of the Ursidae, have triggered many self-proclaimed “alpha males” into charging headlong into these women’s comment sections to convince them why they’re wrong—further proliferating the point they seemed to have missed.

The uptick in the toxic masculinity isn’t surprising, but the rise in beastiality porn searches among internet users is a statistic that caught most experts who monitor this type of behavior by surprise.

“It’s not uncommon to see trends in pornographic searches when a particular demographic is featured in the news or pop culture,” said Jazz Handbanger, a pornography research expert. “However, we haven’t seen this level of surge in a particular niche demographic since Harambe was murdered at the Cincinnati Zoo in 2016.”

Critics of this behavior have been vocal about their disappointment in people’s hasty derailment of an important social issue and turning it into something they can masturbate to.

“There’s a school of thought that says whenever a new technology or social issue presents itself, humans will immediately be drawn to exploiting it to make money, circumvent the law, or sexual satisfaction,” said Handbanger. “In the porn industry, they call that Rule 34—if it exists, there’s a porn of it.”

Of course, not everyone is so dismayed by people’s gravitation toward the lewd content. For many, this sexual awakening is just another tool to identify misogynists who’re too obsessed with the established patriarchy to concern themselves with the safety and security of women.

“I think the video has done a really wonderful job highlighting a very real problem women face every single day and starting a conversation I hope will move us in a direction where we don’t have to live in fear,” said Sabrina Harper, a women’s studies major at Dartmouth College. “And the icing on this cake is watching all these fragile men crumble when they realize a vast majority of women would rather take our chances sucking bear cock then be alone in the same room with them.”

The original video was meant to highlight the startling reality that women feel safer in the woods with an apex predator than with a man whom they don’t know. And, while some people have thought this is an absurd notion because, in the wise words of our friend Brian Fantana from San Diego’s KVWN channel 4, “you can’t do that he’s a live bear, he will literally rip your face off.”

However, women’s hesitation toward men is a validated concern when we look at the numbers. According to data from the United Nations, one-in-three women around the world have experienced violence from their partner or sexual violence from non-partners, which include crimes such as domestic violence and rape. Unfortunately, if the COVID-19 pandemic has taught us anything, it’s that an alarming number of people are unwilling to accept science-backed evidence as the truth and would rather lean heavily on partisan talking heads and influencers to feed their delusions of reality.

“This is such a stupid argument,” said Derek Woodward, also known as ElonChaiBoi on Twitter and a registered sex offender in the state of Ohio. “A bear would eat a woman in the woods because she’s not manly enough to protect herself. She needs a man to protect her. That’s what our founding fathers and Jesus would do.”

Woodward also said he was disgusted by women’s obsession bear porn, admitting he didn’t even realize that was a real thing.

“I didn’t think people actually watched this stuff,” said Woodward. “I assumed it was just another lie woke people told to make themselves feel like they’re better than us God-fearing, red-blooded Americans. And don’t even think about coming at me with that do your research bullshit. I did my research. Hours of it in fact. And the fact women are obsessed with large, hairy men having sex with each other is what’s so disturbing to me. I’ll need to do more research tonight to get to the bottom of this.”

We didn’t have it in us to tell him he was searching for the wrong kind of bear porn, but he was practically glowing during our interview, so we’ll just let him do his thing. But he isn’t the only one who completely missed the point of the original conversation.

The fact of the matter is that while it’s obvious not all men are sexual predators, the sheer number of sexual assault and sexual harassment cases (many of which go unrecorded out of fear of retaliation) indicate there’s a big enough problem that until more men hold their cock-bearing brethren responsible for their behavior, women will continue to feel more comfortable with a dangerous wild animal in the woods than any man.

We must do better.

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