RFK Jr.’s brain worm drops out of presidential race

The parasitic worm that was claiming residence in the brain of independent presidential hopeful, Robert F. Kennedy Jr. has announced that it is withdrawing from the 2024 presidential race.

The worm’s abrupt and unexpected departure from the candidate’s cranium has left Kennedy’s public relations team in shambles as it attempts to distance itself from the parasite, leaving many people to wonder how much influence it actually had on Kennedy’s campaign.

“We’re only a few months away from the election,” said Victor Branfield, an undecided independent voter from Utah. “Don’t you think it’s a little suspicious for such an integral member of his team to just leave this close to crunch time? Something doesn’t add up. Something is going on.”

Despite the public outcry, the Kennedy campaign is adamant the departure was mutual and on good terms.

“The worm is just that, a worm,” said Farrah McWilliams, a Kennedy spokesman. “Sure, it may have eaten a tiny portion of his brain, but I can tell you with absolute certainty that Mr. Kennedy is more mentally fit than either of the senior citizens he’s competing against in this election.”

Although Kennedy and his team have worked diligently to make the seventy-year-old environmental lawyer and anti-vaccine activist appear to be a glowing fountain of youth compared to President Joe Biden and former President Donald Trump, the truth of the matter is he has a long medical history aside from the parasitic worm. He has been hospitalized at least four times for complications with atrial fibrillation, a heart abnormality that increases the risk of stroke and heart failure. He’s also been diagnosed with mercury poisoning which is known to cause neurological issues.

Kennedy loyalists are still confident their slightly younger nursing home candidate can still win the presidential but admit their concerned how this divorce will impact his effectiveness to govern the free world.

“Look, I might believe a lot of things other may presume are conspiracy theorists, but I am abundantly confident in the idea that the worm has been controlling Kennedy’s mind like that mouse controlled the chef in Ratatouille,” said Thaddeus Thadson, a homeless Kennedy supporter who lives in a cardboard box covered in aluminum foil to block interstellar radiation from an alien mothership orbiting Proxima Centauri. “How’s he going to run the government and its top-secret experiments if the alien controlling his mind isn’t there after all these years of manipulation? At least Biden and Trump still got their brain slugs slurping away at their pituitary glands.”

It’s uncertain what the worm’s departure from Kennedy’s team means for his campaign, but he’s confident the lack of a brain parasite won’t hold him back from being the best leader in this election. In fact, he doubled down and said he could have multiple brain worms fighting for dominance over his speech and motor skills and still defeat his opponents in a debate.

“I offer to eat 5 more brain worms and still beat President Trump and President Biden in a debate,” Kennedy wrote on Twitter. “I feel confident in the result even with a six-worm handicap.”

We asked the worm if he still supported Kennedy in his bid for the White House despite their falling out, to which it thanked the presidential hopeful for the many years together and the many fond memories it literally ate out of his brain, but said his vote was reserved for someone else. Who that someone else is, he didn’t say, but someone close to the situation has dropped a few names, with the most likely being Vermin Supreme out of New Hampshire.

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