LANGLEY, Va. — After an exhaustive internal investigation, the Central Intelligence Agency has confirmed it found no evidence of the agency’s involvement in the helicopter crash that killed Iranian President Ebrahim Raisi and Foreign Minister Hossein Amirabdollahian on May 19th.

The announcement was made in a packed press conference at CIA headquarters, where Tad Crater, CIA Internal Affairs Lead Investigator Agent in Charge, stood before a sea of journalists and cameras to deliver the stunning revelation.

“After a thorough review of our operations, activities, and lunch schedules for the past six months, we can definitively state that the CIA was not involved in the untimely demise of President Raisi,” said Crater. “Our agents were all accounted for, and our covert assassination program—uh, hypothetical covert assassination program—was not engaged.”

The investigation, which spanned an impressive two days, involved a meticulous review of hundreds of CIA documents, emails, and Post-It notes. Analysts also carefully interrogated several agents who confirmed they had been too busy dealing with internal bureaucracy and office politics to orchestrate any high-profile foreign assassinations.

“We even checked the Netflix histories of our agents,” Crater noted. “Turns out, they’ve been too engrossed in the latest season of Bridgerton to be involved in any real-world intrigue.”

This announcement comes amidst rampant speculation and conspiracy theories suggesting that Raisi’s unscheduled helicopter landing into the side of a mountain was the result of a covert Western operation. Many critics argue that the CIA’s investigation into itself is akin to letting a fox guard the henhouse, but the agency dismissed these claims with a wave of the hand.

“Who better to investigate the CIA than the CIA?” Crater asked rhetorically. “We know all our tricks, so if we did it, which we didn’t, we’d definitely find out. Trust us.”

To further bolster its claims, the CIA released a detailed timeline of the President’s final hours, filled with mundane activities and a few episodes of a popular Iranian soap opera. They also published a series of doodles drawn by agents during the investigation, showcasing their complete and utter innocence through the medium of stick figures and poorly drawn cats.

The Iranian government, however, remains unconvinced. “The CIA’s findings are about as believable as their claims that UFOs are weather balloons,” said an unnamed Iranian official. “We demand an independent investigation by a neutral party, like Switzerland or the Irish.”

In response, Crater has offered to share the CIA’s methodology and findings with any interested party, as long as they sign a 1,200-page non-disclosure agreement and agree to undergo a polygraph test administered by the CIA.

In a bid to restore public trust, the agency has also released a catchy new slogan: “The CIA: Totally Not Up To Anything.” This slogan will be featured in an upcoming ad campaign, alongside images of smiling agents handing out flowers and holding puppies.

As the press conference concluded, Crater reiterated the agency’s commitment to transparency and honesty. “At the CIA, our motto has always been: ‘In Spies We Trust’—and you should, too.”

For now, the world remains divided, but one thing is clear: the CIA’s self-exoneration has set a new standard for internal investigations everywhere, and anyone who doesn’t believe in the results of their investigation best not take any helicopter rides any time soon.

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