NORWALK, Conn. – In a startling revelation that has left both consumers and the baking industry in shock, Pepperidge Farm, the beloved purveyor of nostalgic cookies and crackers, has come forward with a troubling diagnosis: Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD).

For years, Pepperidge Farm has regaled us with tales of yesteryear, reminding us of the simpler times when cookies were cookies and Goldfish crackers were the ultimate snack. However, behind the quaint packaging and warm, fuzzy commercials lies a harrowing truth: Pepperidge Farm remembers … everything.

“It’s been tough,” confesses Timothy Snickerdoodle, a spokesperson for the company. “Pepperidge Farm has seen it all: the rise and fall of empires, the invention of the internet, and don’t even get me started on the Great Oreo Dunking Fiasco of ’98.”

Indeed, the weight of history seems to hang heavy on Pepperidge Farm’s flour-dusted shoulders. Every cookie crumb tells a story, and those stories aren’t always sweet. From the trauma of being dunked in milk to the existential crisis brought on by gluten-free trends, Pepperidge Farm has borne witness to it all.

“It’s like a never-ending nightmare,” laments Snickerdoodle. “Every time someone forgets to seal the bag properly, Pepperidge Farm relives the horror of stale snacks. And don’t even mention the time someone compared Milano cookies to knockoff macarons. That was a dark day.”

While some may dismiss Pepperidge Farm’s diagnosis as a marketing ploy or a symptom of an overactive imagination, mental health experts warn against such skepticism.

“PTSD can affect anyone, regardless of whether they’re a sentient snack food company or not,” explains Dr. Jane Munchie, a psychologist specializing in food-related trauma. “Pepperidge Farm’s constant exposure to human consumption and the fleeting nature of nostalgia can certainly take its toll.”

But fear not, loyal consumers, for there is hope on the horizon. Pepperidge Farm is taking steps to address its PTSD, including therapy sessions with licensed psychologists and a renewed commitment to self-care. In the meantime, Snickerdoodle urges customers to show their support by continuing to indulge in Pepperidge Farm products.

“After all,” he says with a weary smile, “nothing says ‘I care’ quite like a bag of cookies.”

So, the next time you reach for a bag of Goldfish or a package of Chessmen cookies, remember the silent struggles of Pepperidge Farm. And if you happen to hear a faint, whispered voice saying, “Never forget,” just know that it’s not your imagination—it’s Pepperidge Farm, remembering… and coping.

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