PALO ALTO, Calif. – A local manufacturer of baby products is the latest victim of cancel culture after a group of obnoxious white women gathered their pitchforks and stormed online forums to complain about the company’s lack of diversity, specifically in their production of “white” noise machines.

Jennifer Dalton, a 38-year-old housewife, mother of four, and creator of the Bored Housewives for Social Justice Facebook group, started a petition to force the Baby Life Technology company to divest a portion of their research and development budget into create a more diverse catalog of sound machines that “better represents the varied ethnicities of the American population.”

“It’s 2024 and babies come in all shapes and colors,” said Dalton. “It’s a real shame that our technology companies are so blinded by their monopoly on the baby industry that they can’t be bothered to create a portfolio of sleep assistance machines for non-white babies. It’s pretty racist.”

Despite the overwhelming support for the petition, which currently supports dozens of signatures from other members of the BHSJ Facebook group, and the harassment-level of phone calls the company has received from Dalton demanding change, Baby Life Technology says it isn’t going to alter its product line.

“While we appreciate Mrs. Dalton’s concerns, white noise has nothing to do with skin color and we will not be changing our sound machines because of her frivolous request,” said Nadine LaRue, a spokeswoman for Baby Life. “White noise is defined as a radio signal that has equal intensity but different frequencies, which gives it a constant power spectral density. Sounds like wind blowing through the leaves of a tree, the babbling of brook, or the sounds from inside the womb, are all examples of white noise. It’s a soothing sound, which is why it’s so popular with parents and kids.”

The lack of progress in their case has been frustrating, but Dalton says she refuses to give up.

“Progress takes time,” she said. “Martin Luther King Jr. didn’t achieve his dream overnight. He worked hard. So hard, in fact, they had to kill him to silence him. I don’t think they’ll kill a straight white woman like me, but that’s what gives me the power to be the champion black community needs.”

Although she insists her motives are in the right place, not everyone (or anyone, to be honest) in the black community is as enthusiastic about her endeavor.

“We don’t need, or want, another wannabe white savior,” said La’Nita Brown, a spokesman for the NAACP. “While we appreciate allies, the fight for equality needs to be made through substantial changes to laws, policies, and education. Renaming white sound to be more inclusive is just really dumb and I think this woman needs to get her ass out of the gated community to understand what’s really important.”

Because the consistent criticism of her movement has failed to make in impression, Dalton recently announced that she would be taking a small $180 million loan from her husband’s Silicon Valley fortune to start her own baby technology company focused on diversity, equity, and inclusion.

In partnership with other members of Bored Housewives for Social Justice (all of whom are white women), Mélange Baby Tech Co. is scheduled to launch later this calendar year.

“Our debut product will be a noise machine designed specifically for the unique genetic differences of the African American ear,” said Dalton. “We call it the ‘Brown Note’ and we’re very excited about how this is going to disrupt the stranglehold on the baby tech market.”

Initial human trials of the Brown Note have resulted in more crying and an excessive amount of bowel accidents both by the infant test subjects and the adults conducting the tests. Despite the lack of scientists and engineers on the project, Dalton is convinced the exuberant amount of shit is just a natural part of the scientific method.

“Progress is messy and sometimes a little bit smelly,” said Dalton. “But a little bit of poop today will lead to a future where our children don’t see color and we can eliminate racism from our history books.”

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