Poll: 99.7% of undecided voters would rather vote for “Hawk Tuah” girl than Trump, Biden

A recent Alpine 6 Action News poll has discovered that a vast majority of Americans who’re undecided in the 2024 presidential election would rather have recent internet sensation “Hawk Tuah” girl on the ballot this fall than literally any of the other options.

The Hawk Tuah girl, A.K.A. Hailey Welch, went viral last week after a clip of her insinuating that the best way to make a man “go crazy” in bed is to dispense saliva upon his phallic nether gland during an interview on the Tim and Dee TV YouTube channel made its way around TikTok.

“You gotta give ’em that hawk tuah and spit on that thang, you get me?” said Welch in the interview.

Welch’s charisma, bubbly laugh, and overwhelming enthusiasm for projectile spit on her bedfellow’s private member instantly won over the internet, resulting in multiple content creators remixing the audio into energetic music tracks—which many experts believe could be the “dopest tracks of the current fifteen minutes of fame”—and Hawk Tuah has already been added to the Urban Dictionary.

Because it’s an election year, The Hawk Tuah movement has had a ripple effect that has reached far beyond the borders of TikTok and YouTube. In fact, because of the overwhelming disappointment in the choices of candidates that the Democrats and Republicans have left the nation with, the non-Kool-Aid drinking citizens of this nation see the Hawk Tuah girl as a sign that we can be united in something if we just want it enough.

“I don’t really know anything about Hawk Tuah Girl’s policies, other than she is really enthusiastic about using her mouth to make people happy and I think that’s something we can all get behind because, let’s face it, the shit the current regime of politicians vying for the presidency has said has done nothing but make us more divided than ever before,” said Danny Morrison, an undecided voter from Harbor Springs, Michigan. “Also, I’d just like to say that if President Tuah is looking for a husband to serve as her First Man, I’d gladly volunteer as tribute.”

Many other poll participants echoed Morrison’s sentiments, saying this year’s election feels more like a competition for president of the retirement home community than the head of government for the free world.

“Trump sucks, Biden sucks, and Kennedy had half his brain eaten by a worm, or something,” said Cassandra Brown, an undecided voter from Deerfield, New Hampshire. “Is this seriously the best options those corrupt motherfuckers in Washington could give us? An aborted Alabama fetus would make a better president than anyone currently on the ballot, so yeah, I think I will write in Hawk Tuah girl this year. We’re all fucked anyway.”

Out of the 1,000 participants of the poll, only 3 people voted for someone other than Hawk Tuah girl. One vote went for former President Donald Trump. One vote went to current President Joe Biden. And one person voted for Stormageddon, Dark Lord of All—a random baby character from the Doctor Who episode, Closing Time, which aired on the BBC Sept. 24, 2011.

It’s uncertain from her public Instagram profile if Welch is even old enough to be elected president—only a U.S. citizen who is at least 35 years old can be eligible for the presidency—but it appears she’s capitalizing on her current rise in popularity and partnered with an apparel company called Fathead Threads to market “Hawk Tuah ’24” hats with a catchphrase, “spit on that thang.”

So, will we see a fresh new face in the run for the White House, or will we once again hand off the keys to the nuclear football to a geriatric white dude, both of whom have been accused of declining mental acuity? Let us know your thoughts in the comments.

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