NEW YORK – A local homeless man was arrested after he committed upwards of forty-five different felonies in the hope of raising millions of dollars to get him off the streets and maybe a cheeseburger from McDonalds.

Anthony Stewart, 64, made the decision to commit this absurd number of crimes following the news that former President Donald J. Trump raised more than $141 million in the wake of him being found guilty by a Manhattan court of falsifying business records in his hush money criminal trial on May 30, 2024.

“When I saw that people were basically throwing their money at DJ after he was found guilty, I thought ‘shit, I can commit crimes, too’,” said Stewart from his prison cell. “I don’t even need $140 mil. One mil could get me off these damn streets, put a burger in my belly, and get me more cocaine than I could possibly imagine.”

Steward was arrested on June 25th and charged with 13 cases of Criminal Mischief in the first degree, four cases of Bribery in the first degree, 32 cases of Compelling prostitution, and one case of Menacing a police officer.

Unfortunately for Stewart, news of his crimes has failed to garner any kind of support from the public. While most people can easily deduct that this lack of financial contribution could be associated with Stewart’s complete lack of fame or popularity, he insists the mainstream media, the government, and billionaire Bill Gates, is actively attempting to subvert his attempts to attain financial freedom.

“Why are people so afraid of a man like me rising the capitalist ladder?” asked Stewart. “The Trumpster has a million news outlets and every politician in America basically sucking his cock. Why? Because he’s rich, or at least made himself look rich on paper for tax evasion purposes, whatever. But when a guy like me tries to make a few bucks off my criminal activity the only ones to show up are you assholes from a news outlet I’ve never heard of.”

Despite the lack of financial support from his lack of supporters, Stewart also said his current incarceration isn’t really that bad. In fact, he admits committing these crimes has landed him in a better situation than we found himself in before.

“You know, this really isn’t that bad,” said Stewart. “I was getting eaten alive by mosquitos and other bugs sleepin’ on the ground and I can’t remember the last time I had a meal that wasn’t scavenged from the dumpster behind a Starbucks. Here, they give me three square meals a day and I get to sleep on an actual bed with an actual mattress. This may not have turned out the way I imagined it, but I want to thank President Trump for the inspiration to get myself off the street.”

Stewart also said that if he’s allowed to vote in the upcoming election, he’s pledged himself to Donald Trump and the Republican party.

The prosecution in Stewart’s case has offered to drop all charges, citing the intent to conduct criminal activity as a result of the defendant’s fiscal depravity, but the defense has stated Stewart plans to plead guilty to all charges, despite their advice to the opposite.

“Our client has found himself in a situation where he feels comfortable and isn’t prepared to leave the safety of prison for the uncertainty of the street,” said Kevin Placebo, Stewart’s public defendant. “We have advised our client that he should take the plea deal but he insists I am part of the shadow government dedicated to decimating the lower and middle class in America and that he can’t trust anything I say.”

Upon hearing Stewart’s reasoning for denying the very generous plea deal, a Manhattan judge has ordered him to incarceration at a state mental health institution for observation and treatment. It was not clear if this ruling was made with the best intentions for Mr. Stewart or whether this is part of a bigger plot by the shadow government to further stifle his ability to climb his way out of poverty.

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