Teen finds dad’s stash of crusty old Sears catalogs

TULSA, Okla. – While searching her father’s closet for hints toward what her parents are getting her for her birthday later this month, a local teen made the unsettling discovery of how her father likes to spend his “alone time”, a stack of vintage 1950s Sears catalogs.

Lola Vandersloot was initially excited about the discovery as she’s currently going through a 1900s fashion phase, but the exhilaration quickly turned sour when she discovered the yellowed pages weren’t stuck together because of their age.

“I thought these magazines would be a great source of inspiration for this wicked cute vintage outfit I’m putting together for the school dance, but I literally gagged when I tried to pull the pages apart,” said Vandersloot. “Some of the pages were still damp, too. [audible gagging sounds]. The thought of my dad using these magazines to [audible gagging sounds], makes me sick.”

And while everyone here on the Alpine 6 Action News staff can appreciate Ms. Vandersloot’s apprehension about thinking of her father choking the chicken, we also understand a quick slap of the salami or tickle of the taco is a great way for anyone to release the stress after a long day, regardless of how old they are.

After the shock of her discovery waned, it appeared Vandersloot’s revulsion became less hyper-focused on the fact her dad does battle with the purple-headed yogurt slinger and more on the material he chooses to prepare his pistol.

“With a quick Google search, you can navigate to Brazzers, Pornhub, YouJizz, Xvideos, Xhamster, OnlyFans, YouPorn, Redtube, or Twitter just to name a few,” said Vandersloot. “You can literally find unlimited porn—in HD no less—online. I just don’t understand why he would keep these soiled magazines in his closet when there are better, more high-quality options at your fingertip.”

She also made sure to clarify that her extensive knowledge of adult content websites stems purely from conversations with her friend Jessie, who’s a “total hoe”.

And while her father’s preferred media for penile stimulation may seem outdated and irregular to many people in the digital age, Victor Vandersloot believes there’s no reason he needs to change what has always worked for him since he started learning how to play pocket pinball with his mother’s Sears catalogs as a pubescent young man.

“Boobs are boobs, man; it doesn’t matter if they’re from the 1950s or 2050s,” he said. “And you want to know what the best part of owning a spank bank of physical media? There’s no search history to worry about.”

There appears to be something to be said about Mr. Vandersloot’s analog approach to wrestling the one-eyed snake. Since we first began reporting on this story, Ebay search inquiries for vintage sales catalogs featuring women in lingerie is up nearly 300%.

“I got busted looking at porn on my phone by my wife,” said Louis Poindexter, a deacon for a local church. “Then I heard about Sears and the catalogs they used to mail to people. What a crazy concept, right? I mean, why not just look on their website? Anyway, I got a boner from a picture of a woman wearing a bra that reminded me of 1996 Lara Croft and became instantly hooked.”

While it’s uncertain whether this sudden uptick in physical media is a lasting trend or a quick fad, but retailers are taking notice. In a recent internal memo to employees, Dollar Surplus Warehouse CEO Burt Bennington said the company’s marketing team is feverishly working on a new catalog filled with AI-generated images of scantily dressed women. They intend to distribute this catalog to a specifically targeted group of horny young men to see if it improves foot traffic and sales.

“We don’t even sell lingerie, but we all know sex sells,” said Bennington. “If we can get young men to rub one out to our magazines, that’s a memory that’ll stay with them forever. Then, the next time they need a poorly made piece of plastic crap, they’ll think of us.”

Many marketing experts are skeptical about the effectiveness of Dollar Surplus Warehouse‘s plan, but if the Vandersloot household is any indication, the company may just be on to something.

“It might be time to retire a few of my more well-loved catalogs,” said Victor. “I would totally give the DSW’s mag a chance. The advances in AI these days are incredible. I bet it will be no different than doing bathroom exercises with an image of a real woman.”

“You know what? Fuck it,” said Lola. “I’ll admit I was getting a little hot looking at these vintage lingerie sets. I’ll give this new catalog a chance. Just don’t let me dad get his hands on my copy.”

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