Trump seeks 5th graders’ guidance after shooting

PALM BEACH, Fla. – Former President Donald Trump has assembled a group of fifth graders—and fellow active shooter survivors—as his Mar-a-Lago club to provide guidance on how to emotionally overcome the trauma of surviving the recent assassination attempt at his rally in Butler, Pennsylvania.

Trump’s team offered to bring in certified trauma counselors, professionals who’re highly trained and experienced in helping survivors cope with the mental and emotional turmoil commonly dealt with in the aftermath of a traumatic event, but the presidential hopeful insisted that using professionals would tarnish his brand of shaming scientists.

“Those doctors hide behind their degrees; they’ve never even been shot. They’ve probably never even held a gun. They’re phonies and frauds. They’re losers,” said Trump. “But these kids know what they’re talking about. They’ve seen the guns, the big guns, the guns the military uses to kill the enemies of our great nation. They’ve seen more combat than our generals, that’s the truth.”

The children met Trump on the ninth hole of Mar-a-Lago’s golf course, on which he was playing a round, where his team had set up a table with McDonald’s Happy Meals and teddy bears with his slogan Make America Great Again embroidered on their stomachs as gifts.

From the driver seat of his golf cart, Trump spoke with the children for about fifteen minutes, showing off the tiny wound on his ear and comparing it to the tragedy of these kids never seeing their friends or teachers again because they were killed in senseless act of violence.

“It’s horrible what happened to these kids. Tragic, really,” said Trump. “But have you seen my ear? Ivanka thinks it will leave a scar. And women love scars, did you know that? It’s true. Ivanka knows that. She’s a very beautiful woman and knows these things.”

Although the event seemed to be fairly well received by all parties involved at first, the former president started to appear uncomfortable when the children and their parents started asking about what he actions he plans to take if he’s elected president to curb the unprecedented amount of gun violence in the country.

“My son was shot by a madman with a military-style weapon,” said Peter St. Braun, father of Noah St. Bruan, who was recently released from the hospital after remaining in the ICU for more than a month recovering from wounds he suffered at the hands of a school shooter. “I thank God every day that he wasn’t killed, but I’ve had to carry the burden of guilt knowing my son made it out alive when his friends didn’t. I respect the second amendment, I respect why we preserve the right to bear arms, but we have to do something about the gun violence in this country or else more dads and more moms are going to be burying their kids. No parent should have to do that.”

There have been more than 260 mass shootings in America in 2024 as of June. The Gun Violence Archive defines a mass shooting as an event where four or more people, excluding the gunman, are shot in one location at roughly the same time. At Trumps rally, three other victims were shot, one killed, in addition to former President Trump, qualifying this event as yet another mass shooting in America.

Although the parents hoped this near-death experience would convince Trump to see their point of view and use his massive influence to convince Conservatives to reconsider their stance on guns, the Republican front runner tried reassuring them that the people at the National Rifle Association were “good people” as he slowly rolled away in his cart to finish his round of golf.

“To say I’m disappointed would be an understatement,” said St. Braun. “We hoped that having our kids confront their fears and share their physical and emotional scars with Mr. Trump could’ve paved the first step toward some real change. Instead, I think all we did was reopen some wounds that didn’t need to be reopened. At least we got this teddy bear we can sell on Ebay to some schmuck who idolizes that man for some obscene amount of money to help cut down on the cost of my son’s therapy.”

EDITOR’S NOTE: joking aside, all of us at Alpine 6 Action News want to express our deepest condolences to the family of Corey Comperatore, the husband and father who was tragically killed by the gunman at Trump rally, shielding his family from the attack. It was a senseless death that should’ve been avoided.

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