White House publishes “Biden Mumble Dictionary”

WASHINGTON – After the president’s botched debate on June 27th against 34-time felon and former President Donald Trump because of his tendency to mumble due to his accelerated age, the White House has published a 600-page white paper detailing what the 81 year old actually meant to say.

Congressional Democrats are hoping this lengthy guide will be enough to convince voters that the president is cognitive enough to continue doing his job for four more years as they continue to push the narrative that Biden is “the only one who can defeat Trump”, completely disregarding the plethora of capable, relatable, and astronomically younger democratic politicians available.

“Biden is our president and we’re going to stand beside him, behind him, and probably in front of him to help prop him up long enough to serve a second term,” said White House Press Secretary Karine Jean-Pierre in response to a question during a press conference about whether the president plans to stay in the race.

“We understand people are concerned about the president’s age and ability to do his job,” Jean-Pierre continued. “We’re all aware that he, in his advanced age – which is completely normal for someone his age, by the way – can be difficult to understand. But that doesn’t mean he isn’t mentally capable of doing this job, which he’s been doing phenomenally, by the way.”

The white paper, which Republicans have dubbed the “Biden Mumble Bible,” was first made available to congressional delegates and the White House Press pool. After initial feedback, the paper is now available on the White House’s website.

Republicans were quick to criticize the House for the white paper, saying it’s irrefutable evidence that the president is not mentally fit for the job and should drop out of the presidential race immediately.

“President Biden is an old, old man and is unfit to lead our country,” said Rep. Marjorie Taylor Greene (R-GA) in a speech at the Republican National Convention in Milwaukee. “How can we trust a crusty old man who can’t speak clearly to lead our nation and represent the greatest country in America to other world leaders?”

Despite the criticism, a leaked internal memo from the Heritage Foundation, architects of the highly dystopian Project 2025, indicates that they’re not opposed to creating a similar document for President Donald Trump, a fellow senior citizen whose mental acuity has come into question due to his pathological lies and tendency to ramble about irrational and irrelevant things like sharks getting electrocuted by batteries on sunken boats.

“Trump is a loose cannon who goes on wild ramblings like an excited toddler at the dinosaur exhibit for the first time,” the memo read. “We think it to be in the best interest of this organization, the GOP, the American empire that we create a similar document as our counterparts across the aisle and provide the public a blueprint of talking points in the guise of the former president’s lunacy.”

Meanwhile, the majority of Americans are tired of the senior citizen chokehold on Washington and just want both of them to drop out of the race to open the path to the White House to someone who hasn’t been eligible for retirement for more than a decade

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