Kamala Harris scrambles to figure out what the President actually does

WASHINGTON – After weeks of calls to quit by his fellow Democrats, President Joe Biden made the unprecedented announcement today that he will suspend his bid for reelection and gave his endorsement for Vice President Kamala Harris.

This move has made many Democrats sigh with relief, others grit their teeth under the uncertainty of what the future holds, and Vice President Harris is now forced to come to terms with the fact she’s no longer America’s back up quarterback.

“Being VP is dope,” said Harris. “I literally do whatever I want because no one, including myself, knows what the Hell my job is. This morning I was rolling blunts in bed with Doug, but now people are looking to me as the next leader of the free world.”

According to reports, Biden didn’t tell anyone about his decision to pull out of the race until a mere few minutes prior to making his public announcement. And, while Harris isn’t the official candidate for the Democratic Party, yet, the president’s endorsement—as well as those of other prominent Democrat voices—makes it easy to assume she will be the official candidate soon enough.

“At first, the thought of being America’s first female president was exciting,” said Harris. “But then I realized I’m actually going to have to do work and be seen doing work publicly, and that doesn’t really sit well with me.”

Harris also said she reluctantly tossed her hat into the ring not because of the president’s endorsement but because her inauguration would be a milestone for women’s rights and equality.

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“I couldn’t be where I am today without the fight and sacrifice of the women who came before me,” said Harris. “The fight for equality is not over, and I can’t squander this opportunity to break through that glass ceiling and be an inspiration for the next generation.”

With a newly ignited vigor for public service, the Harris campaign set out to prepare the vice president for her potential new role.

“I was dragged out of my classroom, where I was teaching a summer course on international affairs, and brought to the White House,” said Grover Desuis, a government studies professor at Georgetown University. “They sat me down in the vice president’s office and was told to educate her on what the president’s job is.”

Desuis also said he was flabbergasted that the sitting vice president didn’t understand her boss’ job or how the executive branch fits into the federal government but complimented Harris on her attentiveness and eagerness to learn.

“It was kind of hard to believe how little she knew of how our government works,” said Desuis. “But given that the guy she’s running against tried to overthrow the government, I think her now rudimentary understanding of governance is more than enough to qualify her for the oval office.”

“I really want to thank Mr. Desuis, as well as the entire cast of Schoolhouse Rock, for giving me a better understanding of how to do this job,” said Harris. “This November, I look forward to being elected the next president of the United States and signing those bills up on Capitol Hill into law.”

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