AUSTIN, Texas – Tesla, creator of electronic cars, solar panels, and other forms of sustainable energy has announced a partnership with OceanGate, the owner of the ill-fated submersible that imploded, killing five, while diving to the wreckage of the Titanic, to create a customizable package for the CyberTruck to convert the eyesore into a fully waterproof amphibious vehicle.
The partnership comes as part of Elon Musk’s vision of making the CyberTruck the Swiss Army Knife of vehicles.
“This partnership is just the first step toward making the CyberTruck the most versatile vehicle in the solar system,” said Musk. “Today, we’re exploring the oceans, tomorrow we’ll be flying through the sky, and eventually, CyberTruck owners will be able to commute to-and-from Mars. This is the future.”
Critics of the partnership are, of course, worried about how OceanGate’s history of lapses in safety will affect the safety of the vehicle. And stockholders are concerned that partnering with such a tarnished company will force the value of the company’s stock to take a massive hit.
“OceanGate cut corners and five people lost their lives due to that negligence,” said Corey Jerome, a Tesla investor. “I’ve dumped my entire life savings into stocks of Elon’s companies, of course I’m concerned what this partnership will do to the bottom line. Of course, I think Elon is one of the most brilliant people on Earth and I find it rather easy to overlook his history of questionable behavior because, um, it’s easier to idolize him and put him on a pedestal than perform the mental gymnastics required to not see him as just another power and money hungry billionaire.”
The fears of the partnership were tampered slightly as news of OceanGate scheduling another dive to the wreck of the Titanic almost one year after the submersible disaster. Of course, anyone who actually read the news would know it isn’t OceanGate that’s performing this dive, but RMS Titanic, Inc., the company that owns the salvage rights of the wreck. The purpose of this new mission is not a luxury cruise, but to gather the most detailed images of the ship to date.
OceanGate suspended all exploration and commercial operations and, until this announcement, it was unclear when or if the company would resume these operations. Now, it appears, the company will divest their resources into this new partnership.
“Financially, this makes the most sense,” said Matt LaGrange, a spokesman for OceanGate. “I don’t think anyone is willing to put their lives in our hands, and we totally get it. But with a partnership with Tesla, we can continue our passion for reckless adventure but under the banner of a different company. Plus, the [CyberTruck] looks like a giant metallic coffin anyway, so I guess it’s a perfect union.”
It’s unclear when the new underwater CyberTruck modifications will be available on the market, but the Tesla website has a pre-order option for those eager to test this really, really bad idea.
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