Underqualified Olympic lifeguard really hopes these swimmers are as good as they say they are

PARIS, France – The 2024 summer Olympics are underway, and the entire world is bursting with excitement about watching their nation’s athletes compete in the pinnacle of sport … well, almost everyone.

Candace Michelle, 28, a lifeguard for the Olympic games is feeling the pressure of working on an internationally televised event—particularly because she only applied to the job to get her mother off her back about not having a real job and wasn’t expecting to get hired because she doesn’t actually know how to swim.

“At first, I thought this would be a super easy job because these are all professional athletes and I could just hang out by the pool in my swimsuit looking cute,” said Michelle. “But as I was sitting there, watching the first pool game, or whatever they call it, I saw the media setting up their camera and I thought, ‘what if these guys aren’t that good at swimming and I have to save their life?'”

Although there have been several instances of athletes dying in the Olympics, none of those deaths have been as a result of swimming. While this fact brought some semblance of reassurance to Michelle, she also understands that it takes just one missed diagnosis and it’s game over for the athlete.

“My uncle died because of an unexpected cardiac event,” said Michelle. “One minute he was laughing and joking and the next he was dead. What if that happens to a swimmer and I have to go get them out of the water? There will be two dead bodies and the whole world will get to watch me sink like a pebble. I don’t think I would ever live down the embarrassment.”

After Michelle’s lack of qualifications to maintain the safety of the world’s athletes came to light, we reached out to the International Olympic Committee for comment.

“Look, under normal circumstances, we’d investigate this issue with utmost haste,” said Jean Le Pew, a spokesperson for the IOC. “But we’re currently dealing with the PR headache caused by the butthurt Christian community that is upset at our opening ceremony. This minor safety concern is the least of our concerns right now.”

Although the IOC isn’t planning on taking any administrative action against Michelle, word of her incompetence has spread throughout the Olympic village, resulting in many athletes offering to give the lifeguard swim lessons in their off time.

“A lot of people have been calling for her to be fired and I’m not okay with that,” said legendary American swimmer Katie Ledecky. “Is it messed up that they hired someone who can’t swim as a lifeguard? Yes. But I love swimming, and I think everyone should know how to swim—for safety, if nothing else. So, a few of us have taken her under our wings and give her those swim lessons she never got as a kid.”

After a few days of lessons, we can confirm Michelle can effectively float on her back without assistance. It’s a long road before she’ll be able to save a drowning Olympian, but if you want to watch the Olympics in hopes of seeing Michelle in action (or, inaction), tune in to NBC or use the Peacock app.

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