Congress announces new Battle Pass system for citizenship

WASHINGTON – The United States Congress has unanimously voted to adopt a new “Battle Pass” system of citizenship which many lawmakers believe will strengthen our economy, dramatically reduce our nation’s debt, and reduce the number of immigrants crossing our borders illegally.

This new form of citizenship would work similarly to the battle pass system that’s popular among the video game industry to provide revenue to the company (in this case the U.S. government) and perks to the player for completing milestones.

“A lot of young voters are concerned about the ages of many elected officials and we thought this would be a way to show that us old folk are still in touch with what’s hip among their generation and provide an incentive for being patriotic,” said Rep. Danny Davis (D-Ill), 82.

Davis also said Congress’ inspiration for this new form of citizenship came from Elon Musk’s takeover of Twitter and his decision to put a majority of the basic capabilities of the platform that were once available to everyone behind a paywall.

Starting January 1st, every American citizen will be entered into the new battle pass system at level one. Throughout the year, people can perform civic duties to earn experience points, or XP, to level up their citizenship. With each level, new perks will be unlocked like, access to emergency services, free public transportation, or a library card.

For people who’re looking for additional perks, there is also a paid version of the battle pass they can opt into for a mere $100,000, but this isn’t a requirement for citizenship. Some of these “premiere” perks include exclusion from the draft at level 10, free healthcare at level 25, affordable housing at level 50, lower tax rates at level 75, and the ability to vote in all local and federal elections at level 90.

All citizens, regardless of whether they’re on the free battle pass system or the premiere system will earn a government issued ID and polyester American flag to hang from their house with pride when they reach level 100.

“I know this is a little unorthodox,” said Rep. Hal Rogers (R-KY), 85. “But the monetization of citizenship might actually be the most American thing ever. I’m not sure why we didn’t think of this before.”

Congressional leaders also believe this new form of citizenship will help drive down the number of illegal immigrants crossing our borders by making the application to enter America as easy as swiping a credit card.

“The greatest thing about this is its simplicity,” said Rogers. “Migrants can get on a computer or smartphone and apply for citizenship while they’re making that long, perilous journey to escape the oppression of that inferior country they came from. Then, when they arrive at the border, they show their battle pass and gain entry. The XP they earn from that one simple step could easily get them to level two or three. Isn’t that nice?”

Under the current verbiage of the bill, which is expected to be put on the president’s desk later this week, only naturally born citizens and current green card holders will be authorized access to the free battle pass. Anyone looking to emigrate to the United States will be forced to pay for the premiere pass but will be allowed to downgrade to the free pass in subsequent seasons, should they choose.

“We understand that many of these people are trying to escape difficult times, but that’s the price of freedom baby,” said Davis.

Critics of this bill say that this only furthers the divide of power between social classes, emphasizing the rights of the wealthy while crushing the lower and middle class. According to the bill, should it become law, the battle pass—and the citizenship perks associated with it—will reset at the beginning of each new season. The proposed season schedule aligns with the fiscal year, splitting each calendar year into four quarters, meaning that if you opted into the premiere battle pass, you’d have to renew that citizenship every three months.

“I don’t know about you, but I don’t have $100,000 to spare for one battle pass,” said Christine Hartley, 39. “I definitely don’t have $400,000 a year to maintain my rights as a citizen. This is such a terrible idea.”

The lawmakers who drafted the bill understand many fiscally handicapped citizens have concerns about the significant price tag associated with the premiere battle pass, so they made sure to include verbiage that would require each new season to provide a certain level of new and unique cosmetics (i.e. t-shirts, hats, and other apparel) to be included with each season to entice citizens to renew their pass each quarter.

“My grandson plays Fortnite and I see how excited he gets when he unlocks or buys a new skin,” said Davis. “I can only imagine how excited the average citizen will get when they unlock a unique t-shirt that gives them the opportunity to show off their pride for America. People will be jealous of their swag and be enticed to pay for their own premiere pass. I wager out $35 trillion of debt can be paid off faster than ever believed possible under this new system.”

Although this bill has divided the nation (mostly among the socio-economic lines), it’s believed the president will sign the bill into law the moment it lands on his desk.

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