TACOMA, Wash. – A local man has been hospitalized after he allegedly attempted to land a Yurchenko Double Pike, otherwise known as the “Biles II” after American gymnastics superstar Simone Biles, by vaulting over a concrete jersey barrier following a raucous night of drinking and watching Paris Olympic reruns at the local bar.

Sam Whittiker, 48, attempted the ill-fated vault after getting into a heated argument with a friend that gymnastics “wasn’t that hard” and that any schmuck could make the Olympics team if they wanted to.

“It was really stupid, looking back on it,” said Derek Loew, Whittiker’s friend. “Sammy’s not really that dumb, but the drinks were flowing, America was winning more medals, and there was a really cute girl at the bar I think he was trying to impress.”

The Yurchenko double pike is a variation of a vault in which the gymnast performs a round-off onto the springboard and a back handspring to launch themselves into the air before doing two airborne somersaults while holding their legs in a rigid straight line.

Watch Simone Biles perform the Yurchenko double pike in podium training.

The incident took place around 1:30 in the morning when Whittiker exited Patrick’s Pub with a small entourage of spectators. Then, according to witnesses, he sprinted toward the barrier, dropped his hands to the ground for the flip, then immediately landed face-first into the asphalt. Paramedics were called to the scene and Whittiker was transported to the hospital where he was treated for lacerations to his face and arms, treated for a concussion, and given an IV to reduce the effects of the alcohol in his system.

“My husband is an idiot, and he somehow manages to get even stupider whenever he drinks,” said Martha Whittiker. “I would like to say this act of stupidity has knocked some sense into that thick head of his, but he’s one stupid motherfucker and will probably try this again just to prove this was a fluke, or something.”

Whittiker was not to be dismayed by his wife’s discouraging remarks and plans on doubling down on his efforts to prove that anything a 27-year-old Simone Biles can do, he can do better.

“I was willing to admit that, perhaps, I’m not as young as I used to be and not quite as nimble,” said Whittiker. “But I’m also a man and I don’t back down from a challenge. My wife knows this. So, no, I won’t admit I was wrong. I will play her little game and continue my drinking and training regimen until I can not only stick my landing but take the U.S. Olympic Team to the men’s gymnastics podium in 2028.”

While Whittiker’s enthusiasm perfectly embodies America’s can-do ego and lust to be number one in the world, he certainly faces many obstacles in achieving this newly found dream. Aside from being a borderline alcoholic, overweight, and suffer from asthma, he’s also got to overcome the one obstacle no athlete can overcome: time.

The average age of a male Olympic gymnast is 22.5 years old. At 48, he would’ve met this median age criteria when the current Olympians were nothing more than a tiny egg waiting to slip down their mother’s fallopian tubes. The oldest gymnast to ever compete in the Olympics was Oksana Chusovitina from Uzbekistan, who competed in the 2020 Tokyo Olympics at 46 years old.

Whittiker will be 52 at the 2028 Olympics.

“I’m not really worried about how old I’ll be,” said Whittiker. “I may not be some spring chicken but I’ve got the heart of a champion and the mind of a horny teenager. There’s nothing I can’t do when I set my mind to it.”

According to his doctors, there’s a lot he can’t do regardless of what his mind says.

Although his determination is inspiring, we don’t expect to see Whittiker representing Team America on the world stage in Los Angeles in 2028. However, we would be the first in line to support an Olympic program that allowed everyday citizens to compete against each other in the same sports to give a baseline to viewers about how good these Olympic athletes are.

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