Anxious voters comforted knowing there’s still an older white guy on the Democratic ticket

PHILADELPHIA – Voters around the country took a collective sigh of relief when Vice President Kamala Harris announced that Minnesota Governor Tim Walz—a 60-year-old straight white guy—was her running mate in the 2024 presidential election.

Although Harris has received a groundbreaking level of financial and political support ever since President Joe Biden decided to end his bid for a second term at the White House, many Democrats and moderates were concerned about whether or not a biracial woman could defeat Donald Trump in a head-to-head election.

“Look, I’m all for being progressive and being a part of history that helps elect our first female president,” said Jeb Carmichael, an independent voter from Pittsburgh. “But we sent the whitest white woman—who has political pedigree by the way—against the most illogical presidential candidate in history and we walked away with our tails tucked between our knees. Forgive me for being skeptical this time around.”

Carmichael also said that although he didn’t really know anything about Walz prior to the announcement, the idea of having an elderly white gentleman on the stage to support the democratic ticket felt like a colossal weight was lifted off his shoulders.

“I think I got used to the idea of having two geriatric nominees arguing about golf handicaps rather than national issues on the debate stage, and we lost that when Harris became the nominee,” said Carmichael. “I think the qualities Walz brings to the Harris ticket is that he looks old as fuck but is only 60, which means he still has a good 20 or so years of continuing to block the road to Washington for younger generations.”

Of course, the Harris campaign didn’t specifically mention Walz’s age as a reason for choosing him as her vice president candidate. Instead, they focused on the more subtle attributes he brings to the table such as his experience as a public school teacher, his successful career as a football coach, and his 24-year career in the National Guard, in which he rose to the rank of command sergeant major—the highest enlisted rank in the Army.

“He is a safe, smart choice politically,” said Cary Coglianese, a professor of political science at the University of Pennsylvania Carey Law School, to Newsweek. “He brings military experience and a rural Midwestern vibe to the ticket. But he is also a very effective spokesperson for progressive values and will help motivate turnout from the Democratic base. For these reasons, Walz is the choice most likely to add appeal both to progressives as well as independents, which is a rare combination.”

“And, of course, there’s the fact he looks like a sweet, lovable grandfather who’ll sit you on his knee and regale you with incredible stories and feed you sweets until your parents come to pick you up,” he continued.

And Walz’s selection as Harris’ VP has caused quite the commotion in the opposition’s camp. According to our sources in the Trump campaign, several key advisors are frantically working to find ways to make J.D. Vance appear more likeable to, well, everyone.

“Tim Walz was a goddamn command sergeant major and a football coach; everyone loves fucking football, especially now that Taylor Swift has gotten her dumb female fans into the game,” said one source. “J.D. Vance couldn’t promote out of the E-4 mafia and fucked a couch. This is a PR nightmare.”

At this time, the Republican party has no plans to split with Vance, but we’re told Trump is more than willing to fire him at a moment’s notice if there are any whisperings of uncertainty from the far-right cult.

This is a developing story. For more Election 2024 coverage, make sure to follow Alpine 6 Action News to stay up-to-date.

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