Blue Falcon: this veteran-on-veteran bashing needs to stop, but I get it

United States military veterans J.D. Vance and Tim Walz have snagged the Republican and Democratic vice president nominations, respectively.

While most Americans view military service favorably, especially for elected officials who may one day be forced to make the decision about whether or not the nation sends its young men and women to war, the vitriol in today’s political climate has led to some heated arguments about the validity of both men’s service records.

To help us better understand what either campaign hopes to accomplish by attempting to blemish the other candidate’s selfless service, we spoke with Alpine 6 Action News’ chief military consultant Master Sgt. (ret.) Walter P. Blue Falcon.

Bartholomew: The military has a long history of interservice rivalry. Vance served in the Marines and Walz served in the Army National Guard. Do you think this is just a case of two veterans attempting to project their branch’s superiority over the other?

Blue Falcon: You’re right, the military has a long, proud tradition of ridiculing their fellow servicemembers from other branches—Ever since the Marines shared their first box of Crayola crayons at Tun Tavern, in fact. However, what we’re seeing today isn’t that playful banter which, although may seem like a borderline hate crime at times, is deeply rooted in respect for each other’s service.

Bartholomew: If this isn’t all in jest, what is its purpose?

Blue Falcon: In the service, we call this being a “buddy fucker”. It’s a term that represents someone who puts their own needs ahead of their troops and peers. Honestly, it’s a very healthy mentality to have because if you aren’t able to put your own physical, mental, financial, or egotystical needs first, you’re not going to position yourself in a way to help those around you. It’s like on an airplane that’s plummeting to the ground—put your own mask on first before assisting those helpless children next to you.

Bartholomew: So, you think being a buddy fucker is a good thing?

Blue Falcon: Let me put it this way: both men selflessly served their nation and we should all be thanking them for their service. Friendly banter is one thing, but making personal attacks to discredit someone’s time in uniform is unbecoming of a veteran. Personally, I think this veteran-on-veteran bashing should stop, but I get it.

Bartholomew: Okay, so how are you seeing this art of self-care playing out in the rhetoric we’ve been seeing these last few days?

Blue Falcon: Well, it’s still early in the race, so I’m sure we’ll see a lot more unfold in the weeks to come. But J.D. Vance has come out swinging, and it makes sense. He has less time -in-grade and time-in-service than Walz so I think he needs to assert dominance in order to try and win over the undecided military vote.

Bartholomew: So far Walz hasn’t made any agregious attacks on Vance’s service record. Do you think he’s going to rely more heavily on his station as a former senior non-commissioned officer to pull that military vote?

Blue Falcon: Retiring after 24 years as a master sergeant and achieving the title of command sergeant major, even if he gave that up upon his retirement, is an accomplishment that garners a lot of respect across the different military branches. So, yes, I think he’ll rely more on his service record than cheap shots to win those votes. However, I will say this; if what I’ve been reading is true and he opted to retire instead of deploying with his troops to Iraq, I think Mr. Walz has some untapped buddy fucker abilities that he may be keeping hidden up his sleeve.

Bartholomew: A lot of those reports you just mention seem to be from biased sources who say Governor Walz quit the National Guard and left his soldiers high-and-dry to deploy to a combat zone. Is it really quitting if he retired after more than two decades of service?

Blue Falcon: Technically, no. After 20 years you can retire whenever you want, he definitely earned it. But right now we’re talking about trash talking on a national level. This isn’t some small local election. Every rock is going to be turned over to find that one piece of defamatory evidence that will make the average voter–who is too bothered to look into the evidence themselves and relies on pundit talking heads like myself for their truth–think twice about the opposition. I think the Vance camp knows exactly what they’re doing in this situation.

It’s also important to remember that perception is nine-tenths of the law. Walz probably retired honorably and for good reasons. But doing it so close to a deployment definitely throws up some major buddy fucker vibes. And if the people who’re making these claims are legitimtely former soldiers who worked with Walz, I’ll double down on my wager that he’s a very skilled buddy fucker and we’ll see some major Tom foolery in the coming weeks.

Bartholomew: Walz obviously has a very long resume that Vance can pull punches from. What do you think the Minnesota mayor can pull from Vance’s short time in the Marines?

Blue Falcon: He fucked a couch, dude. What more does he need to say? That level of debauchery will likely score points from the Lance Corporal Underground and E-4 Mafia, but any NCO or officer who’s has to write a counseling or submit UCMJ action for this level of stupidity isn’t going to be impressed.

As the hunt for the White House continues, the service of these two men will likely continue to be at the forefront of discussion. Will Vance’s unrelenting banter of disinformation be enough to away the militafy crowd? Or will Walz’s longevity and seniority reign supreme? We’ll find out in November.

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